Hmmm....

After a weekend without internet access (I'm using my roommate's computer as I speak.) I've had a lot of time to think about what I was going to type before I actually typed it out for the world to see. Which is weird because usually I just blog it out without a care to who reads it. So this is what I've come up with.

• Upon further review, I may I repeat may have a drinking problem. An alcohol consumption issue if you may. Granted that might be slanted a little because I'm in Carbondale and I have nothing better to do with my time on my weekends, but this might be something I keep a close eye on in the future. I've actually been entertaining the thought in my head about giving it up for a little bit. Going sober for a little. Granted that might just take out the fun in my life and what little glimmer of hope I may have, but it might be better for my mental (let alone) physical help. So what brought this up? A comment at the football game when my roommate asked me why I wanted to leave the football game early...and then he paused....and then I answered because I gotta go drinking which he responded "I thought you were about more than that" to which I responded "There was a time in which I was about more than that." Those times are long gone.
• Some of us live in a little bit of a dark world. For some of us, life ain't all hunky dory. I think what really gets to me is what people get away with. I love how some people can get away with anything and be able to live with themselves. There are somethings in life that I just can't do and even thinking about them makes me feel dirty. I think what bothers me more is when people get second chances in things that others don't get first chances in. It's quite disappointing to be honest. I don't think life is fair enough to the good people, and then when they flip sides like Annakin then they're looked at as the bad guys. Now I know why Darth Vader was a prick. The man obviously was depressed. And some peeps killed his mom and he wanted revenge. You know if someone killed my mom and I was at a young age to remember it I'd be getting revenge on all sorts of people. Sometimes that's just what makes me tick.
• Which leads into this weekends depressing story. I totally lost my cool. For the first time since spring semsester freshman year I had myself a mental breakdown. To revisit the mental breakdown here's how it goes. Something small ticks Lu off the point in which he becomes easily irritated and confrontational. Then Lu gets violent to the point where he goes to his room and just starts throwing a tempertantrum. After about 10-20 minutes of silence and relaxation Lu feels calm and normal again as if nothing happened. Well I pulled one of those this weekend. So what did Lu do? Lu took his computer chair and whipped it at his desk. Usually he just flips it over on the floor. No, he picked it up and threw it at his desk and broke a wheel in the process. Really, if that thing could talk the stories it could tell. Like the time I threw it across the dorm room at Hoos. Or the time I whipped it at the brick wall outside of Mae Smith. Or the time I hit it with a baseball bat. Or the time I tackled it. Or the time I knocked it down with one punch or one kick. Hey, better than something that I'd have to pay for that's worth something.
• To be honest I'm very regretful of last night. I made a fool of myself in front of my friends and am sorry for the way that I acted this weekend. I'm embarassed to put it correctly.
• So what set me off? A combination of the following: depression, loneliness, anger, frustration, jealousy, the things in my head that cause my head to hurt, stress, failure, the truth. All of those were contributing factors to Lu's First Mental Breakdown of the school year. And to be honest it was a long time coming. Small tempertantrums aside, this was the first full blown Mental Breakdown since freshman year when my roommate while on the phone with his then girlfriend made a crack about me being a virgin and I took his hat off his head and repeatedly hit him with it. And then when he took the hat away from me I took my computer chair and threw it in his closet...threw it ACROSS THE ROOM!!!! Needless to say when the tough get going Lu throws things and becomes violent.
• So after the mental breakdown process I took a walk. I looked at the stars. I did some thinking. I don't think it was a good thing. But I think the best thing I did was not make any phone calls. The reason: I didn't wanna ruin anyone's night. Who am I to ruin the nights of my fellow man just because I'm losing my mind. Just because I'm a borderline depressed fool. Why would I want to ruin the nights of my friends by troubling them with my issues? Who am I to do something like that?
• MY FINAL THOUGHT OF THE NIGHT: It's obvious that I'm not happy. So what do I do, I try to make everyone else happy. Why? Because if I can't be happy why drag everyone else down with you, in hopes that the happy people around you will pick you up. Friendship is a team effort. I've had this conversation a zillion times with a certain friend of mine who I hold closely. They say I need to make myself happy, which I agree. However since it seems not in the Cards to do so then why not make someone else happy. Why not? I'm all about the greater good. It's why I do the things I do. Why be selfish? There have been plenty of times where I could have ruined good things for other people by being selfish and I didn't. And where did it get me....here, depressed, alone and sad. Makes me wonder what I've done with my life. It makes me think about what I've done here at SIU. It makes me think about if the last year of college is a failure or not. Or if my whole SIU experience as a whole has been a failure. All I know that in my head there are devestating things that if they ever got into the wrong hands could mean very bad things. It's why I keep my mouth shut, for the greater good.

That's all for tonight folks. I don't know what else to post. I really wish I had internet all weekend so I could post these things on the fly, make it a shorter read for the peeps. Well I'm off to bed. Goodnight from Carbondale!

1. Oh, and another thing. A conversation if I may: "You know what Lu, you might be cursed. Heck your curse might be a little side curse of the Billy Goat curse. You might be on to something there. But look at it like this. We all know the Cubs are cursed except the Cubs. Though they DO know that they're cursed they play through it. They don't complain, they don't bitch they just play through it in hopes that by accident they can break the curse. You don't play through it, not anymore at least. You wait for the other shoe to drop. You let the black cat do its thing. You let the goat do its thing. You let Bartman do his thing and yes so did the Cubs but they tried fighting through it. You Lu have quit. You were in the on deck circle when the black cat came and instead of heading to the plate you ran from your opportunity. You let Steve Bartman take that ball away from you. You didn't pull an Alou! You didn't jump for it. You let Bartman take it from you. And then you let the Marlins take away everything you ever wanted and left you in the cold, alone....so close and yet so far. 5 OUTS AWAY. You need to play through it. Yes you might be cursed. So are the Cubs at least they try to fight through what's holding them back. You have just given up." Sums it up there for ya doesn't it.