"Next time the past knocks on your door, don't answer."
So yeah this is not how I wanted to spend my Friday. Drunk, yes. Angry, pissed and depressed, not so much.
And really I was in relatively high spirits until I signed on to MySpace this afternoon and got a message from my "ex." Most of you do not know the story of my "ex" so here's the cliff's notes version. My former roommate thought that it'd be a great confidence boost for Lu (who was fighting depression b/c of his car and his once best friend) to give Lu this internet girlfriend. So what happend to internet girlfriend? She faked her own death (dying at age 18 due to lung cancer) to get away from me sending me into a disasterous spiral that really concluded with a "press conference' where I proclaimed that I gave up on women and retired and .... well we all know how that ended up. I still am convinced that I missed out on my opportunity on perfection, but that's a different blog for a different time.....or is it? I think that things could have been different had I spoke my peace then. Okay lemme rephrase that, I like to think that things would have been different. She could have always said no, and then I'm back at square one all over again, but at least I'd have something that was definite. And it's been a year, it's been more than a year, and I should be over her. And there was a point where I was over her, there was, I moved on at one point, but when everything (and i mean everything) fell through is when I realized the kind of failure I was when it came to love. I am a failure. I'm 20, I should be out enjoying myself, but I'm not I'm dwelling on stupid shit from a year ago that was MY FUCKING MAKING because I didn't have the balls to tell her how I felt about her. Why? Because I'm a fucking idiot, that's why! And the funny thing is that she knows how I feel. Her boyfriend knows how I feel. Everyone on this planet could theoretically know how I feel about her and I could care less because for some gosh for saken reason I still love her and I don't know why. And I've tried to get over her. But between girls just not having an interest in Lu like that or girls just up and disappearing, Lu's love life is an absolute joke. It's a fucking punchline. FUCKING CLOWN SHOES!
With that said, I dont even know where I was going with that. All I know is that the reminder of the internet girlfriend fiasco set me off into a drinking binge that included 5 beers in a half hour (not a good idea for you youngsters at home.) Maybe I should just resign myself to the fate that I'll never be a number one choice. Not like I have any inspiration or motivation to because every girl would rather just be friends with Lu like dating Lu is the fucking plague! Maybe I'll never be "boyfriend material." Maybe I'm not meant to be happy, cuz everyone else can be happy, just not Lu. Maybe this is all sour grapes, seeing ALL of my roommates with girls (both current and former) even my rooomie that dropped out of school got a girl. And then there's Lu wallowing in the misery of "chokes" and something Lu likes calling "being cubbed."
I don't even know why I'm writing anymore. All I know is that I was set off by a reminder of my past failures. And yes, the quote that resides at the top of this post SHOULD be always remembred. But when the past breaks your fucking door down and slaps you in the face it's like a reality check!!