I have to congratulate myself on this beeing my 200th post, that's quite a feat I think. 200 of my most intriguing and mostly unread thoughts it's quite amazing I must say. I remember when I started this as an emotional release and an escape from the downside of the college life. I remember writing in times in which I was sad and depressed and I went to this blog and typed how I felt. I remember those drunk blogs. I remember those blogs in which I had hope for the future. THat's what this blog was all about. It was like yesterday when I was writing about SIUs 4th sraight conference championship and I claimed it as championship saturday. I remember the posts last year that led up to Valentine's Day and the ones that immediately followed in which I hated myself for what I did. I remember posting about Cubs games until I created a blog solely for the purpose of talking about the Cubs. I remember rants and raves. I remember writing the editorial cut about why the Cubs/Cards match-up is the best in sports. And how North Carolina would win the championship when everyone was drinking the Illini kool-aid. Those were the times. I remember when I ditched this blog for My Space and then came running back knowing that this blog was the shit.
So this is the 200th blog.
Well where do I start. I guess I'll start with the brief review of this weekend. It was an awesome weekend. A bit of a disappointment yes though I must say the foam party on Friday night at Southern Illinois Nightclub (AKA SIN) was worth going to even though I left wet, cold and by myself which isn't much of a change from any other time I go out, minus the wet part. I just didn't feel comfortable at the bar. I just can't see myself picking up a girl from the club or the bar and seeing her as my girlfriend in the future. Maybe that's my problem, maybe that I want every decent girl I meet to eventually be my girlfriend. I have too many flaws. It makes me wonder where will I meet that girl? So far it hasn't been college. No house parties, no bars, not even a blind date has worked for me. Not even me at my best dressed has reeled me in a hottie that I can call my own. Yet I've seen my friends back into relationships when they weren't even looking. I've seen girls I was interested in date my roommate, a complete stranger and actually decide that dating isn't in their future. I've seen girls tantalize me, flirt with me, take me for a roller coaster ride, all for naught. And in the end, I'm in the situation that I entered college as: single, insecure and on the verge of depression.
The rest of the weekend made up for my being single when the Cubs swept the Cardinals making my weekend actually worth anything. Yep, the Cubs are once again saviors of my so-called life. The better they play, the better I feel about myself. The more they win, the less I care about my women problems.
The Soprano's was good, yet disappointing. I'm just waiting for something big to happen though I must say shit's getting serious and once again I can't wait til next weekend's Soprano's.
Everyone's going home for Easter except Lu, I plan to be making some sort of dinner for myself that night.
The awkward moment of the weekend was last night when my roommate and his girlfriend decided to sleep in my room (well mine and my roommate's room) last night. It was weird, I kinda felt awkward but yeah whatever my mind hates me. Filling my life with insecurities and depressing thoughts.
Speaking of awkwardness and insecurities I had to leave my room tonight because of the awkward moments that led up to well, you know what happens when a couple is together and a third wheel is there and it's a smart idea to leave I don't have to say it in words, so I won't. All I know is that even though she said I didn't have to leave and told me not to leave I knew when I wasn't wanted and I knew when it was my time to leave. My mistake was leaving without my jeans and ID and shoes so I could go on a refreshing walk. It was too late for that, by the time I thought of it I was in a friend's room watching The Simpson's. My insecurities got the best of me and yeah, as of now I'm not a happy camper. Once again I'm one awkward moment from snapping, and that's a scary thought. It'll be very reminiscent of the mental breakdowns I had on several occasions last year, second semester.
So this is why I hate being me folks, I'm sure you've seen it well about 200 times by now. There's a couple, Lu's jealous and he lets his insecurities get the best of him. This is why I am the way I am. I want what everyone else has. It pisses me off, not that they have it, I'm not jealous like that I'm jealous to the point that I'm pissed because I don't have it. And then I have to hear it the "I can't believe he doesn't have a girlfriend" comments from others. Yeah I can't believe it either but bad shit happens to good people. I'm sick of being me, I just want things to change soon and for the better.
IT'S BEEN BROUGHT TO MY ATTENTION by several people that they think I'm gay. Uh-oh here come more insecurities. I can't necessarily blame them. How can't you think that someone who hasn't gotten laid and never had a girlfriend and other things that I don't even tell people about is gay, I really can't blame peeps. A friend recently told me that my problem is that I'm every girls "gay guy." I'm the guy that is the best friend, the one they come to when there are problems, when they need advice, when they need someone to talk to they come to me. There's not a thought in their mind about dating me, or screwing me or any of that fun stuff, I'm just the guy who's there who's friend to all. Goes back to my theory of "I'm the guy that the girls tell their secrets too, I'm not the guy who's their secret." It sucks being the butt of jokes and laughed at and constantly talked about and not in a good manner. Whatever, as much as people say "one of these days you'll meet the girl of your dreams" or "one of these days will be your day" and "I still can't believe you're single." Well folks, believe it because you're eyes aren't deceiving you. One of these days I'll meet the girl of my dreams, as soon as the Cubs make the World Series. Sure, one of these days will be my day. Yep, as soon as the Cubs WIN the World Series. And believe it or not, despite being the guy with all the answers, despite being the all knowing, the guy that knows what the girl likes and wants, I'm still single. And what am I gonna do about it, nothing. Why? Because I've been trying to change shit for years and nothing good comes out of it. I end up with the same group of friends that are in relationships fucking their girls having the fucking time of their fucking lives while I'm out there giving advice, telling them what to do, and they can take all the credit for executing the thoughts of the guy who might be the closest thing to a real life 'Hitch' as you'll get. Yet I'm like a hot baseball prospect, getting experience, just not on the major league level. I'm like the next big QB who is taking notes on the sideline waiting for his chance to get in the game. I'm like an assistant coach waiting to be promoted to the big time. Problem is that I'll most likely be sent down to the minors, be demoted to third string, and in the end fired from what I am. One thing's for certain, seems like I am the biggest loser not only on campus but maybe the world.
See, 200 posts later, things still haven't changed.