Saturday, April 15, 2006

I'm So Bored, I'm Blogging

Wow, I'm really bored now. I really regret not being home this weekend. Taking a look at it, no one's here really. I look at the parking lot and ain't nobody out there, there are some really good spots out there. That's how you know nobody's here. Most of my friends are gone out of town or back in the Chi and they ain't comin down on Easter weekend to visit me. The floor has been awful quiet tonight. Personally I attribute it to the fact that Hoos and Alicia aren't here. I even told them that (I talked to Hoos about a half hour ago) and I told him that I was thinking about how true that was and he's like "Lu, that's wrong that you're thinking about me and Alicia having sex." Which I WASN'T thinking of, but Hoos has a one-track mind, and that one track mind is a word that starts with the letter 'p' and is another name for the kitty cat, so fill in the blanks for yourself. But a lot of my other friends are gone or they don't wanna go out. So I'm sitting here, on the last day of lent alone listening to WCIL fm after watching clips from American Pie and some of season one of Chappelle's show and realize I've wasted a day. I did less than half of my laundry. I have 2 tests and a paper due Monday and I haven't started working on any of it and yeah that's not good. Whatever, being at SIU is a waste for the most part. It's easy to see it as that when you're depressed.
My Friday night. Now Friday was quite decent, me and the guys enjoyed a double-header softball sweep which was quite nice to see. Friday night, not so special, not at all. It was quite boring and quite bad minus the bad-ass Bulls win. Ben Gordon was shootin' that fire. It was funny while I was ironing my shirt for the night all I heard coming from my room was "Geezy for threezy..." and it was always good. During the time I went to iron my shirt, the Bulls went on a 14-0 run en route beating the Wizards, pretty sweet in my estimation. It was all downhill after that. Went out, looked good and really it was all for naught. Went to Styx with Kristin and Steve...BORING! No one was out there. I'd guess that there were maybe 80-100 people there tops. There was enough to surround the bar, about 10 people playing pool and that's about it. No one on the dancefloor, heck the bouncers weren't even out. It was really lame! Heck there wasn't even anyone at the door to stop us, stamp us and charge us (which I won't copmplain about). So after that we went to this bar and met up with Marcus, Charles and his friend Larissa. It was alright, it was cool cuz I got to hang out with Marcus and Charles who I hadn't seen in a while, so that was cool. Besides that the band sucks, remember I'm not drinking yet, and yeah the guy/girl ratio in Carbondale = sausage fest so, yeah, go figure I'm not gonna have a good night. Oh and Kristin met up with her new friend Dan or as I call him Mr. Corporate Law. We went to the "after party" at his house if you could call it that. 4 dudes and Kristin is NOT an after party. It could potentially be a lot of things, an after party isn't one of them. So we got there (me, marcus, charles, steve & larissa) stayed long enough for Steve and Larissa to have drinks and for me to go through a Penthouse or two because they were offered. I came back to Mae Smith to the wonderful greeting of a fire drill and everyone was crabby, even me cuz I had nothing to eat except for a bowl of cereal earlier in the day so I was crabby!!!! I tried talking to my roommie about my night but to no luck. My cruddy feelings carried over to today where I didn't feel like doing anything, hence why I'm here on a Saturday night in Carbondale, doing an online weblog.
So I've been thinking, and usually thinking isn't a good thing for me. Because when I think I can be a different person. Well people have been telling me things recently that have had me thinking about my mental state and mental health. So I looked up the definitons for manic depressive and for bipolar. I took a survey online and I'm starting to think that I could either be a manic depressive or bipolar. I suffer a lot of the symptoms. For example I experience "extreme changes in mood." They call it the poles of "manic" and depressive." "Manic" describes "high-flying" moods that can "spiral into something darker -- irritation, confusion, anger and feeling trapped." "Depression" comes into play when its the opposite of the "hig-flying" manic mood like sadness, crying (which I haven't done), sense of worthlessness (plenty of that), loss of energy, loss of pleasure, and sleep problems. I have had lots of those, especially that worthlessness, lack of pleasure and sleep problems. After reading this definition and taking the survey, I can't help but not belive that I am that. Granted some would say that everyone's a little bipolar, just like eveyone's got a bit of ADD in them. But sometimes I can't help but to think that something is wrong with me. Theoretically I'd like to get some help, but I don't want to waste money and then find out from some doctor that "I'm perfectly fine" or something like that. On top of that, my family's got enough issues and better things to deal with than my bout with depression. If I find out that I do have these issues, it could explain a lot of my actions and it could really make a lot of sense of some things. Some of my friends would simply point to the pressure I constantly put on myself, my over-analyzation of situations and things of that nature to what's wrong with me. I honestly don't know what's up, I'd like to know, belive me. I'm just hoping things work out for the best.
Okay this has been bothering me all week so I figured that if I blog it, that it will leave my system. ALL WEEK, and I mean all week as in all of my dreams since I went to bed Sunday night/Monday morning have been all about sex. Like seriously, it's killing me. Is it my insecurities? Maybe. Is it that whole college atmosphere? Possibly. Is it jealousy of my closer friends who are always getting it? Some would say most definetly. But I think that it's wrong that all of my dreams have consisted of that topic lately and I'm quite uncomfortable about it. And all of them were all about losing my virginity to be specific with it. Different situations, like one dream I was on a beach with two girls and I moved one girl to get on top of the other. The other was I was in an office and my boss passed out and there was a cute secretary and we did it on her desk. Another was in the dorm's just really creepy and really not like me to have sex be the number one thing on my mind. Thanks for hearing me out blog readers, maybe you can help me out. That's what is on my mind. Thanks once again for taking time to read this.

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