So this is a blog of randomness, but at this point I don't care 'cuz I know that no one reads this thing. It's the great thing about an online journal, you can post and if someone wants to read it they can, if they want to pass it over they can do that too. Anyways, to today's thoughts.
Last night I watched the movie Wedding Crashers with some friends of mine. I like that movie, it's a good movie. Got some classic quotes, some stuff that you'll always remember and it wasn't horrible. Though there's a part in that movie that really struck a cord, actually the whole premise of that movie struck a cord with me. That whole scenario where Owen Wilson falls for Rachel McAdams's character in the movie only to find out she's got a boyfriend and later will be engaged. Her boyfriend/fiancee in the movie is a total tool, and his actions in the movie portray him as that really well. He's got a lot of money and a family pedigree worthy of dating someone like McAdams's character (she's the daughter of the Secretary of State) but he's an absolute assclown. Then Owen Wilson comes along, treats her good and all and shows her good things and then there goes a point where they don't speak to each other and in the end he ends up with her because they actually act on what they feel about one another. And then the assclown gets knocked the fuck out when Vince Vaughn gives him a shot to the face. It actually didn't strike a cord in me until this line "Eventually we lose everyone, but I don't want to lose you, not now. And I'm not asking you to marry me, I'm asking you not to marry him."
And that leads me to me. When I heard that line I shook my head and said to myself "I'm in love." The girl I want (my ideal perfect girl) I can't have. I'd do anything to get her, but I'm sure at this stage of the game any attempt would be thwarted, rejected or unreturned. But last night I realized I was in love, or at least what I think the idea of love should be. Maybe I'm in love with the idea of being in love. Now I'm confused. I see her with her boyfriend and I can't help but think "Why not me?" He has his good things, he really does, but whenever I see her unhappy I know why and I wish I could just make it all better. What bothers me a little is when she tells me that I complicate our friendship and that people don't understand our friendship. Heck, sometimes I don't even understand our friendship. But I do know that our friendship is pure, a true friendship that I'm not willing to let go. Even if I have to eventually put all my feelings for her in a coffin and send it off to sea to never be returned again, her friendship means a lot to me. But I love her and want to be with her, but I can't. And if there's any worse feeling than what I felt after heartbreak of the 2003 playoffs with the Cubs, it's this. And I've never, EVER said that about any girl. Ever. And what sucks the most is that I've had time to get over her. I've had opportunites to get over her....and none of them fell through. None. My advances have gone cold with every girl after her, and that sucks even more! It makes me wonder what do I have to do to make this work. It makes me think I'm not going to ever make this work, with anyone. Fighting destiny is hard, especially when you have a pre-conceived notion that in the end you'll fail. Somehow you'll choke. Somewhere down the line you will fuck it all up. And for what?
I've given up on love before, and that's how I ended up here. I don't want to be here (in this situation) anymore.
All I want is one chance. Just one, one good chance. That's all I want. It bothers me that everyone in the world gets second chances, even when they don't deserve one. And me, poor Lu, doesn't get even one chance to make things right. Maybe I am cursed. Maybe I am the curse.
It's not suprising that I use this blog as a confessional, but usually not for this. There's so much more I could write, but to save time and energy I won't. But I'll leave on this note "I'm not asking her to marry me, I'm just asking her not to marry him."