As I begin this post it is 12:44 am on Tuesday January 16th, 2007. Wow. That's all I can say as of right now. There's so much that I have to write, so much that I want to write, but right now my mind isn't communicating well with my typing fingers. That's odd, knowing that this post right here is my 301st on this site. Here goes nothing.
I didn't do a post to preview first semester. I guess I had more of a slight idea what was going on, maybe. I'll tell you this, I was generally a happier person and things were generally better. Everyone got along, everyone was happy with one another, it was like everything was a big ball of sunshine. These days not so much. It's been well documented on this blog, the things I've been through this semester. Drama, drifting, stress....all of it. I guess you can say after this semester things are a lot more clearer, though not necessarily better. I almost lost my best friend, though a part of me feels as if I'm still losing her. I've indirectly helped several holes magically appear in our walls. I think what sucks most about this past semester is that everyone that was once cool with one another, no one really talks that much anymore and really none of us are cool with one another anymore. It'd be a lot easier if I could point the blame on one individual, but I can't. Actually, that best friend of mine put it best when she said that we all went out of our way to "find ourselves" when we should've/could've let it happen naturally.
What does that have to do with 2nd semester preview? Not much, but you can't know where you're going if you don't know where you've been. With that said, my thoughts on this upcoming semester. Arguably, this is the most important semester of my collegiate life. I'm fully adjusted and a majority of my distractions are behind me so I really should have no excuses for failure this semester. I need to prove that I can get good grades again. I need to re-focus and move forward with each and every day. Personally, I need to set high standards and proceed with a purpose, as I did my freshman year at SIU.
But so much has changed since high school. Let's recap, shall we? I blew off/blew my chance at going to my dream school, University of North Carolina @ Chapel Hill, because of A) distance and B) money though comparatively speaking I wouldn't be spending much more and technically I did myself a real disservice by not attending the #1 public university in the country. I blew my chance at my theoretical dream girl and really I have no excuse for that at all. I blew it; no ifs, ands or buts about it. I choked and everyday I must live with things like "what could've been" and certain conversations and things that were said that I wish would just leave my mind. With all that said, I don't want to blow any more chances. I've lost out on two of the things I've always wanted, I don't feel like doing that anymore, I don't feel like going through that anymore. Heck I don't want to go through it ever again.
As this semester rapidly approaches (as it is now 1:00 am) I can't help but think that I am behind here at SIU. By behind, I mean behind socially and academically. I guess I was behind socially in high school as well, but I didn't mind it as much because academically I was where I was supposed to be for the most part and in some parts I was ahead of the game. Here at SIU, I've underachieved academically and socially, despite the many friends I have made, I feel as if I'm missing something.
A part of me wants to find that missing something, while another part of me wants to desperately move on and straighten things out academically. Everyone tells me "good things come to those who wait," while I now lie under the theory "better things happen to those who go and get them" and I have waited long enough and suffered long enough to basically come the the realization that the whole "good things come to those who wait" line is an absolute piece of garbage ass lies! Yes, I know I sound bitter (and I'm rambling) but it's completely worth it as I sit here typing listening to Kenneth "Babyface" Edmunds sing some of the greatest love songs ever written.
As I read through this post, I realize I really don't get to the point of previewing this semester. So instead of deleting all that stuff, I'll bullet point what's to come in this semester.
- Hopefully I can stay on task and focused from January 16th 'til the end of May. I'm talking about school work focused, because supposedly the rest will magically fall in place when school ends (though that's what they said after HS that everything (socially) would fall into place when I came to Southern)
- Proving I belong here at SIU is something I desperately want to do.
- Focus, determination, purpose and motivation. Four things I've been lacking since freshman year. Four things I want to regain this semester.
- Confidence. I need it, bad. I don't know where to get it, but once again I guess it's something that magically appears....kinda like the Yankee Ghosts that Derek Jeter talks about.
- Happy. I'm tired of being angry, bitter, cranky, pissed off, depressed all the damn time. I want to be happy for consecutive days and not have to write a blog about how amazing it is that I'm happy for consecutive days.
As I finish this post, the time is 1:11 am.