It's Been One Week...

...Since I've blogged so I have a lot to cover in a short period of time. Why a short period of time? Because it's Saturday night, I'm bored, lonely and looking to see one of the dozens of movies I have now. So here's a brief recap of this week starting with...
THE DANCE
Well folks, as you can tell I'm alive so the dance didn't kill me. In fact it wasn't as big of a deal as I thought it would be. I'll be honest I was nervous the whole night, I'm pretty sure she could tell because my roommate's girl could tell a change in my character, though my roomie said I pulled it off well. I really had no rhythm throughout the night because the DJ absolutely sucked because a lack of music selection and he did a horrible job of blending songs. His song selection got better as the night went on, but as the crowd dwindled, it didn't matter. I'll tell you about my date, she was absolutely gorgeous, I was quite honored to be going with her. I was also very happy that she appreciated the flowers I got her (that I accidentally almost forgot in the room.) My last date didn't appreciate the 11 white roses and the one red rose I got her, in fact her parents where more appreciative of the flowers than she was. I pulled the gentleman card and worked it to perfection. Complements, the door opening, the pulling out of the chair, the whole nine, etc. I came off as a really good guy despite my nerves. After the dance we got into Callahan's which is a 21 and over bar because a friend of mine's date was over 21 and we just walked in and chilled as he bought drinks for the girls. I couldn't drink of course because it's still lent, but I was cool. I was actually better off there you could have told by looking at my facial expressions that I was in a more relaxed situation. After that we went to Don Taco to pick up some late night eating and we talked 'til the end of the night while eating and relaxing in the end lounge. I really don't know how to take this. No feelings were exchanged, nothing, just a hug at the end of the night. I think she's really cute and I'd like to pursue things with her but doesn't seem plausible right now because I don't think she knows what she wants. Some people would say I don't know what I want, though I know I do want a girlfriend, that's step one. I think the highlight of the night was when she told me that no one had ever given her flowers before. I felt special. And the fact that she appreciated the little things I did that night made me feel good because city girls don't appreciate that shit, country girls do. Hence my case for my love for country girls.
MONDAY
Opening Day baseball. I decided to skip my classes after my test in my 11 am class. It was worth it especially after the 5 run first inning the Cubs put up. I was very impressed with the offense and the bullpen. I'm convinced that this year is the year, end of story. But if you want to read up on that go to http://mydamncubbies.blogspot.com for more.
TUESDAY
Class cancelled because my teachers husband died in the Sunday tornados in Fairville Hts. She was a real good teacher and a nice lady too. I send my condolences. We'll see how the rest of this semseter goes.
WEDNESDAY
I can't really tell you because I don't remember. Obviously nothing worth writing about.
THURSDAY
Ditto
FRIDAY
The home opener so I decided to skip my two boring classes of the day to watch. Once again well worth it with D-Lee hitting the first home run into the *new* Bud Light Bleachers in left field and Greg Maddux's dominance of the Cardinals. Later that night I went to the rec and shot some hoops. I played some good ball, I had the hot hand for most of the night hitting those outside shots. I love nights when I find my shot because I feel good. Came back to shower and relax and then around midnight I got talked into going out. I went to my first ever foam party at SIN (Southern Illinois Nightclub.) It was amazing. It was insane, bananas, off the hook, off the chain, whatever it was nuts. For most of the night I was a foam man I got that shit in my eyes and it sucked, it burned!!!!! There were plenty of fine ass girls there but none for me. :-( Though it made me realize some things that bothered me. I didn't feel comfortable at the club for some reason. Maybe because I wasn't drinking. Maybe because I didn't have anyone to dance with. I felt kinda like a loser after I decided to exit the insanity just standing on the outside watching everyone grind it up. I guess the bar isn't the place I should be looking for a girl. Then again, where is that place? Where is that time? No one knows when your times up so time's constantly ticking. Being single sucks and the thought of being lonely scares me and bothers me and saddens me. I think I'm just bothered by the fact that every girl I have any type of feelings for only wants to be my friend and nothing more. One thing I don't understand is how some people just up and back into relationships. It's like for some it comes on accident. I guess maybe it's cuz they're not looking. When I'm not looking, nothing happens, in fact it's worse because not only am I not associating with girls they're not looking for me so how can I get some if there's no communication. It bugs me that I try hard and it's all for naught and others it just literally comes flocking their way. Some say "Don't worry, be yourself." Well what the fuck do you think I've been doing for the last 19 years, being someone else. I've been me for 19 years and it hasn't worked for anything, maybe being a fraud will eventually work, I just can't bring myself to front hard like my roommate did or to be a hard-ass like my cousin. I fit in the nice guy nitche and I can't get out of it. I guess I have to blame my parents for raising me correctly. All I know is that in less than 7 months I will be a 20 year old virgin unless things change drastically. I just want some good in my life. Sometimes I just want to get the experience over with so I can say I did it and move on with my life. I'm tired of not being able to contribute to guy talk or sympathize with beign cock blocked or something. Well I guess so far my sex life has been one big cock block. I just want to be hugged, kissed and loved and I want to return the favor to a special girl, heck sometimes I feel any girl would do. People have been saying for years my day will come. Well is it wrong for me to ask for more than a day or am I being selfish?
SATURDAY
CUBS WIN GAME TWO AGAINST THE CARDS! WOO HOO!!!! Once again check out the Cubs blog for my thoughts. Tonight's been an absolute crap shoot. No going out as expected. No bowling. No movie. No nothing. Just the normal roommate/gf fight and the same old Lu being lonely and depressed routine. I'm once again convinced there's nothing to do in Carbondale when you're not drinking. I'm thinking about taking a walk to Don Taco to get some food, but I doubt anyone will go with me. Loneliness sucks though I did something nice today for someone. I picked "my wife" some flowers during a walk around campus. It was a very sweet thing to do and even though she's not my real wife, not even my girlfriend it felt good to do something nice for a girl you cared about. Who knows maybe that can be a spark of something? Yeah and the White Sox are gonna repeat as champions (1-4 start...not good PaleHose.)
AS I CLOSE THIS BLOG:
It seems to me that I write the same thing over and over again. It's called a cycle, I think it's time to break the cycle.
QUOTE OF THE WEEK:
"Since I got to college I've been through two boxes of condoms, and have yet to put one on." Now how's that for perspective?

Well Folks....

....it's too late to think about what I have gotten myself into. It's almost time to face reality. In my mind sometimes I feel like I'm in a do-or-die situation. However the rational part of my mind says that this has no implications on my future with women. We'll see how tonight goes. My plan before the dance, quite simple to be precise. Listen to some music, then I'll watch The Kings of Comedy, shower, get dressed and then hit the road. I thought about watching Hitch to see the things I should do or American Pie to see the things I shouldn't do. However I'm taking a different approach. Get me relaxed to the point where the dance is an after thought. I figured I'd entertain myself by watching Kings of Comedy ASAP! Wish me luck!

The Highs and Lows of Being Lu

Today started off as eh, morning, damn I have a test, bleh. Turned out to be a beautiful day in Carbondale, around 70-75 degrees, bright sunshine, it was quite a sight to see. I actually took a nice little walk to the bank today, might as well because I had a check to cash, I needed cash for tomorrow night and the weather was nice so I might as well enjoy it.
THE HIGHS:
So for the majority of the daylight hours I was on an emotional high. Walking, enjoying the weather and stuff like that. Went to Wal-Mart to get my date for tomorrow some flowers and I picked up some other things that I needed. As I walked back people saw me with the flowers and all I heard was oohs and aahs. I was flattered, in fact for a moment there I got a bit of my swagger back. I heard girls saying "Oh ain't that so sweet" and "I wish my man would do that for me." The girl at the front desk was like "well ain't that sweet" and the guy at the front desk asked me if I was in my girl's dog house. I responded "Nope, this is just a random act of kindess." He was like "that's how you do it." I struck up conversation with a guy on the elevator who was givin me the thumbs up on my actions. "That's how you do it, you catch em when they don't expect it and they'll love it even more." It's funny, I'd love to do that for a girlfriend, just randomly suprise her with some flowers, even if I have to pick them myself, just as a sign of appreciation to the girl. It's too bad I haven't found that girl with.
THE LOWS:
Seemingly, the lows come when night falls. Truth of the matter when I was in conversation with those people and when I heard peeps talkin I knew and only I knew that the truth of th matter was that I didn't have a girl. And really their response would probably be why not? Why not? Well I'll tell you why not. THere are several "why not?" reasons. First of all I become friends with girls and that's all they'll want to be. They won't want to further things because I'm "just Lu" and I'm too good of a friend. In other cases, girls can't find a good guy if he came up and bit her in the ass. I'm honestly convinced that girls go out and pick the most hopeless duds out there in an attempt to overhaul him, make him over, and change him. Woman, you're talking about a relationship, a guy for a relationship, not a major league ball club. Instead of guys like me, they pick the jerks that they can't change and then they come back to guys like me crying. I'm so sick of it, it really bothers me that I'm almost 20 and still single and never had a relationship. That's why tomorrow night is so big! It seriously holds my destination for when it comes to girls. Things go good, my confidence is back. Even if it's not with her, I can go after other girls with the confidence that I'll be carrying around with me. Granted she'll fall into the category of "just another rejection, just another friend," but if it boosts my self-esteem then good for me, right? However if things go bad not only does she fall into the rejection/friend category, I have nothing else after that. I'm really all out of options. Wow, 19 and all out of options. Will I get my mom grandchildren? Hell will I ever bring that first girlfriend home? Probably not at the rate I'm going.
You know, I'm envious of my friends. All of them have either had experience or are currently in relationships. Theoretically, one day I'll get a girl and I'll be the one people envy. But realistically, who would envy the 19 year old virgin? All my other friends are in relationships. I feel left behind. All I have is a great personality goin for me.
AM I THE MOST PATHETIC PERSON ALIVE?

So Sick of Single

*Yawn* Another day, another night, another sleep period alone. I really could use someone to cuddle with. I'll be honest I've been quite sexually frustrated this week for some odd reason that is really inexplicable. Heck I was even to the point where I actually said "I don't care anymore, I just want to get it over with." Which is quite shocking, coming from me, the advocate of actually waiting for sex. Not necessarily for marriage but at least until it's with someone you care about (i.e. girlfriend.) So if you know me, that statement above must be quite shocking. I've said since the day it was an issue with people that I'd prefer to "lose it" to someone I was in a relationship. Since then, well in fact since ever, I haven't been in a relationship. So technically, no chance for me to give it up. I fear that as the years go on that I'll be the last one remaining in my age group of my friends and the 1st girl I do it with I'll disappoint her and she'll dump me on the spot because I wasn't satisfactory. That's one of my fears. Really all I want, and all I ever wanted, was to be loved. It's weird when peeps say "Oh your time will come" or "it will happen" or "just wait..." or my personal favorite "when that girl comes around she'll be at your beckon call." My response: oh really, so where is this random, nearly perfect girl? Sure, I'm supposed to look for her, but from what my peeps seem to be telling me is that one day she'll just fall in my lap, which I must say would be totally awesome!

All these thoughts come only nights before the dance Saturday. I'm still looking forward to it.
Really I see this dance in several different lights. I see this as a date, a dinner/dance date at that, similar to like if I took a girl out for a nice dinner and a night dancing. I also see this date as a showcase of myself. I'm showcasing how good I can actually look when I dress to the occasion instead of wearing jerseys, tees with my fave teams, or when I just throw clothes on not caring about how I look. Saturday night I will also be showcasing my "skills." By that I mean how I can treat a girl properly, the way she should be treated, showing her a good time. Basically showing off to not only my date and my peeps but to others that I actually am "boyfriend material." Like I've said before, I'm not looking to get lucky, I'm not looking for anything in particular. The only thing that is on my mind is having a good time, and ensuring my date enjoys herself. After that, anything that happens is a bonus. In the back of my mind I'm thinking about sex, but what college male on campus isn't. Me, I'm different though because of my past. My past as the best friend. My past as "Just Lu." My past that has involved outside pressures to buckle in to societal norms. My past that has included numerous choke jobs with girls that the Chicago Cubs and old Boston Red Sox teams would envy. I really wanted to put that in the past when I got to SIU, but because I roomed with such a close friend from high school, my past seemingly followed me, whether I liked it or not. So for all you youngsters out there, don't room with close friends if you want a new start at college, use me as an example.

In closing for tonights blog, I'm sick of being single. I'm tired of being alone. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I'm tired of my attempts being shot down. I'm tired of my "love" or my "feelings" going un-returned. I just want things to change. As I've said before, this dance may be the be all, end all for me when it comes to relationships with girls. If not that, then it's the beginning of something big. I'm hoping for the second option.