After Tonight I Took A Look In The Past And Found This Nugget

From NOVEMBER 15TH 2005:

• Yeah, we still like the same girl and we were talkin about it. We were talking about the prospects of them and all of the other guys that like her. We eliminated them for one reason or another, then I basically eliminated myself. There's the self reflection. Here's exactly how I eliminted myself:"Me (lmfao) in my wildest dreams that include a year in which the bears, bulls, cubs and SIU win championships..."

And as of right now I am sick to my stomach. The Bears look like they are on their way after tonights 24-23 comeback win on Monday Night Football where they scored 0 offensive touchdowns and yet still won and on top of that came back on the road from 20 down. The Bulls are one of the top teams in the Eastern Conference and look to be improving with the addition of a guy who plays interior defense. The SIU Salukis are favored to win the MVC and are a lot of experts "sleeper" team this coming college basketball year. And the Cubs have just hired Lou Piniella to save the franchise. This isn't Dusty Baker who succeeded because of guys like BALCO Bonds and the three-run homer. Piniella's teams developed Griffey Jr. and A-Rod to major league studs. And the idea of A-Rod in Cubbie blue pinstripes feels almost as good as the last kiss I got. 2007 JUST MIGHT BE THE YEAR! Maybe then MAYBE this can be my year too.

Between all that and the new TV show "What About Brian?" I can't help but to think: Why not Lu? Why Not Now?

It's Saturday, It's Noon & I'm In Love

So this is a blog of randomness, but at this point I don't care 'cuz I know that no one reads this thing. It's the great thing about an online journal, you can post and if someone wants to read it they can, if they want to pass it over they can do that too. Anyways, to today's thoughts.
Last night I watched the movie Wedding Crashers with some friends of mine. I like that movie, it's a good movie. Got some classic quotes, some stuff that you'll always remember and it wasn't horrible. Though there's a part in that movie that really struck a cord, actually the whole premise of that movie struck a cord with me. That whole scenario where Owen Wilson falls for Rachel McAdams's character in the movie only to find out she's got a boyfriend and later will be engaged. Her boyfriend/fiancee in the movie is a total tool, and his actions in the movie portray him as that really well. He's got a lot of money and a family pedigree worthy of dating someone like McAdams's character (she's the daughter of the Secretary of State) but he's an absolute assclown. Then Owen Wilson comes along, treats her good and all and shows her good things and then there goes a point where they don't speak to each other and in the end he ends up with her because they actually act on what they feel about one another. And then the assclown gets knocked the fuck out when Vince Vaughn gives him a shot to the face. It actually didn't strike a cord in me until this line "Eventually we lose everyone, but I don't want to lose you, not now. And I'm not asking you to marry me, I'm asking you not to marry him."
And that leads me to me. When I heard that line I shook my head and said to myself "I'm in love." The girl I want (my ideal perfect girl) I can't have. I'd do anything to get her, but I'm sure at this stage of the game any attempt would be thwarted, rejected or unreturned. But last night I realized I was in love, or at least what I think the idea of love should be. Maybe I'm in love with the idea of being in love. Now I'm confused. I see her with her boyfriend and I can't help but think "Why not me?" He has his good things, he really does, but whenever I see her unhappy I know why and I wish I could just make it all better. What bothers me a little is when she tells me that I complicate our friendship and that people don't understand our friendship. Heck, sometimes I don't even understand our friendship. But I do know that our friendship is pure, a true friendship that I'm not willing to let go. Even if I have to eventually put all my feelings for her in a coffin and send it off to sea to never be returned again, her friendship means a lot to me. But I love her and want to be with her, but I can't. And if there's any worse feeling than what I felt after heartbreak of the 2003 playoffs with the Cubs, it's this. And I've never, EVER said that about any girl. Ever. And what sucks the most is that I've had time to get over her. I've had opportunites to get over her....and none of them fell through. None. My advances have gone cold with every girl after her, and that sucks even more! It makes me wonder what do I have to do to make this work. It makes me think I'm not going to ever make this work, with anyone. Fighting destiny is hard, especially when you have a pre-conceived notion that in the end you'll fail. Somehow you'll choke. Somewhere down the line you will fuck it all up. And for what?
I've given up on love before, and that's how I ended up here. I don't want to be here (in this situation) anymore.
All I want is one chance. Just one, one good chance. That's all I want. It bothers me that everyone in the world gets second chances, even when they don't deserve one. And me, poor Lu, doesn't get even one chance to make things right. Maybe I am cursed. Maybe I am the curse.
It's not suprising that I use this blog as a confessional, but usually not for this. There's so much more I could write, but to save time and energy I won't. But I'll leave on this note "I'm not asking her to marry me, I'm just asking her not to marry him."

Of 'Curse' I'm Right!

First of all yes, you might think I misspelled "course" for curse, but you are WRONG! Yeah, I said it, WRONG! I meant to use the word 'curse.' Because I am.
Last night on my normal blog I wrote a post calling myself a man of theories. http://siulou.blogspot.com/2006/10/is-man-of-theories-back.html
That's the link. If you don't want to read it, that's fine. I'm just here to sum it up for everyone that in the end I was right. What I expected to happen, happened. And where am I in this...nearly on the brink of depression. I was right, I was right all along. Me being right just goes to prove the following:-there are no happy endings-you can't fight fate or destiny-you are your own worst enemy-i am cursed
There isn't much more to know, about anything. If you have faith, ditch it. If you think that one day you'll be happy, you won't. If you live under the theory "anything will happen that can," then you might as well find a new theory. BECAUSE IT'S ALL WRONG! I was wrong to have faith in the system. I should have never had faith all along. Why because it happens to me all the time. It's a reocurring nightmare in which I'm the dumb blonde bimbo that always is the first to be killed.
And what hurts the most is that I never got to speak my peace. And all I wanted was a chance. I guess that's too much to ask.

Is The Man Of Theories Back?

“If they lose tonight it will just go to show that the team is cursed, the ballpark is cursed, the whole culture is cursed.” –Jay Mariotti, October 15th 2003

So you're probably wondering where this came from. It's quite random come to think about it. If you're a baseball fan you might have an idea; if you're a Cubs fan those words strike you with some pretty bad memories. But now that I look at it almost 3 years later, I look at it in a different light. The words "the whole culture is cursed" spooks me still to this day. "The whole culture" is an idea that covers a whole lot of ground if you take some time and analyze the thought. "The whole culture..." It makes me think about things. Makes me think about where I've gone since then. Where I've been. Where I want to go. It's a quote like this that makes me reflect on the past, yet think about the future. Sometimes I think that the Billy Goat Curse is a spurious correlation.

• Note that according to wikipedia.com, a spurious correlation is "when a correlation between data exists because of a statistical fluke (rather than true causality.)"

So basically it's something that's like a tag-a-long kind of deal.

So what am I getting at. I once was (and one day would like to become again) a man of theories. I had thoughts, I had ideas and I had beliefs. I saw things coming and if I wanted/needed to avoid them, I did. And I did a good job at it. If I had a "hunch" and I went off of it, I was usually right. So now I have a thought, it's a broad thought but a thought nonetheless:

• If things shake down the way that I think they will (which if the past is any indication and if my "hunches" are any indication, they will fall in the manner in which I presume) I will have been proven correct again. I will have proven that I should have never had "faith in the system," for the system will have been proven to be non-existent. It will also enforce my belief that happy endings don't exsist. No such thing as a happy ending. It would just go to show that everything that I want to believe is just one big fraud. It would just prove that there is another force out there holding me back from what I want, something out of my control. In the best case for this bad scenario, the system will have been proven to have crucial flaws in it. In the end, it probably won't be a happy ending.

But what if this "theory" is wrong. Well first lest define theory. A theory is a "conjecture, an opinion, or a speculation. In this usage, a theory is not necessarily based on facts, in other words, it is not required to be consistent with true descriptions of reality. True descriptions of reality are more reflectively understood as statements that would be true independently of what people think about them." I got that from wikipedia.com too. Translation: a theory is a thought in that you speculate will be true because of what will most likely be an illogical idea or something like that. NOTE: DAMN ME FOR TRYING TO BE INTELLECTUAL AS I WRITE THIS AT 12:53 AM.

• So if my theory's wrong, maybe there is reason to hope. Maybe the little guy can triumph. Maybe the system does work. Maybe there is a system period. Maybe that idea of things coming full circle isn't a pipe dream. Maybe better days are coming.

Lots of maybe's, not necessarily what I'm looking for. So as I sit here pondering, thinking about my next steps. Wondering about the future. Trying to figure out what I need to do to step forward. Trying to figure out "does the system work," "how to fight 'fate'," "how to create a new 'destiny'." I sit here, alone thinking....

WHAT IF?