Thursday, December 08, 2005

21 Minutes of Things

Well folks, long time no write, I've felt empty the last few days not writing to the blog. But really, its as if who really reads this? Really, I wanna know, just out of curiosity. You know people bash blogs all the time but its good that I have one. Without a blog, I'd probably be more miserable than I am now because I wouldn't be able to release the stress, the anger and all of that pent up crap that is inside of me that eats at me inside that drives me absolutely insane. So, I'm glad I get to vent here at blogger. Isn't that what the internet is for anyways. Its for people to share thoughts, views, ideas, beliefs, rumors, innuendo and bullshit. Its a place where you can truely hide yourself and be someone that you wish you could be instead of yourself. The internet is full of lies and deceit. And me, myself, I'm looking for the truth wherever I can find it.
So I spent some time, just randomly and aimlessly looking outside of the window, and for the first time in a while, I see a car driving. It is bitterly cold and quiet in Carbondale. If I was in a more poetic mood, I'd either stand in the end lounge or even if the weather was a little more bearable, I'd stand out there with a pen and a pad and just write one of the more indescribeable feelings that I'm having here. The weather and the scenery outside perfectly fit how I'm feeling, in fact, it's quite fitting. It's quiet, somber, and the one car at the end of the parking lot is very symbolic if you think about it. See this is what happens when you are left alone and you finish your geology lab report after its half assed listening to classic boyz II men shit. You are left here contemplating things that really have no relevance when it comes to anything.
So, I spent hours playing MASH today. You know, you remember M-A-S-H (Mansion, Apartment, Shack, House) where you give 5 of the following: member of the opposite sex, car, color, location, kids you want to have and job. Then you pick your favorite number and let the magic begin as your list gets crossed out left and right until you are left with your answers. I used to love and hate this game as a child. I hated when the results came back and I ended up with the least attractive girl, in a pink pinto, in antartica, with 20-some-odd kids living in a shack and working as a janitor. It was rare that I ended up with anything I wanted, sometimes I wondered if the game was fixed against me. As I look back at the luck I've had since those days in grammar school, I don't know where I can go wrong in believing I was set up. In the end though, it's a fun game. I always got nervous when it came to pick the girls, I usually saved that for last because I actually put thought into it. I dunno how you folks played but you picked 4 of the 5 choices and your friend who's doing MASH with you sets you up with the worst possibilites possible in mash.
10 Minutes before the SIU Computers sign me off of the system
So I had a thought that really set me back and made me feel like a total loser. In a conversation with a friend, we were talking about what I did a week ago with my roommate and what is now his girlfriend. My friend made a comment in which they said something to the extent that it was kinda sad that people still approached relationships as if they were still in high school looking for a hook up. I was taken aback by that because I felt it was a shot at me. Now, everyone will tell you, all of my friends and associates and maybe even my family will tell you that I am a very defensive person. Really, you can't blame me because I've taken a lot of shots, and of course I'm always ready to shoot back. Now granted, I don't have much ammo, especially when it comes to the game of love, but you might as well shoot with what you got right? So anyways, I thought about the statement and it hurt a bit. I've never been good with words when it comes to women, unless it was in a poem, then I can roll with it. I've never been the most attractive person, however, I don't know if I'm cursed by being the nice guy or being the "handsome young man." I don't know which is the one I fall under, its possible that I fall under both. I don't do anything particularly well, I'm not made of money, I'm not materialistic and I'm not a cassanova, a P.I.M.P. or anything like that. I'm just lil' old me. So I took that comment and kept thinking about my past (the same past that haunts me damn near everyday that I'm single) and I remember that no one ever hooked me up in high school because I spent a lot of time getting rejected. Grammar school, same thing. College, well college has been different because of well, it's college. College skews your visions, beliefs and ideas when it comes to relationships, sex, virginity and all that good stuff. Prom night is supposed to be the night and you're supposed to go into freshman year with the experience you need to handle the situation of the one night stand. Yeah that failed miserably. Hey lets go back even further to grammar school (inspired thought after watching Boy Meets World) when people played spin the bottle and 7 minutes in heaven and that was supposed to break you into the dating game and the kissing game and all that other good stuff. I was never invited to that kind of party. So, if I'm a bit immature when it comes to a relationship or approaching women and all that good stuff, I point to my past as exhibit A for my evidence. Not as an excuse, but as evidence on how my past has most likely scarred my future. So yeah to sum that up, sure the way I'm going at things may be high school or grammar school like, but when you miss out on all of that stuff you were supposed to get at back in the day, you can't feel but left behind.
The Cubs traded for Juan Pierre, by doing so got rid of 2 top 10 prospects. No one's untouchable when you haven't won a World Series in 97 years. New Year's Eve, I'd rather be home alone with my cell phone off, the house phone unplugged and all modes of communication closed to me. Valentine's Day falls on a Tuesday this year and I'm already preparing Anti-Valentine's Mix of songs and I'm also looking forward to getting extremely wasted on Valentine's day, I'm glad I don't have any classes until 11 pm next semester. I'm hoping my roommate passes all of his classes this semester with a 2.0 or higher because I want him back next semester. If all else fails, I'll most likely invite Steve to live with me. Granted, Cubs/Cardinals games all of a sudden get real interesting with me being outnumbered Sox/Cards fans to Cubs fans in this hall a lot to a little, Steve's my guy nonetheless. Loneliness is all mental, or is it depression is all mental, I don't remember, this was from a conversastion that took place last week, wow I have memory issues. My roommate called me a manic depressive because of what some teacher described the symptoms to be. Does that teacher know me? Does that teacher know what I've been through? Until I find the definition of "manic depressive" both them assholes can kiss my manic depressive ass!!!
Random Question of the Night: Since Girls Gone Wild came out, how many knock offs have there been? Do they get royalties for being the first of its kind? Is there room for one more so I can get my loot and split.
Final Thought: Next week, my roommate and our friend Marcus have planned to take me out to the bars to find me a girlfriend. I never knew it was that easy...but folks it won't be. Their plan to boost my confidence will be to flat out embarass me. Now, I've been embarassed enough throughout the years in front of girls. Now Marcus says it worked for him. However, this seems like this will either make me or just break my soul. It might be the pessimist inside me but I'm gonna be betting on the latter. My roommate on the other hand gave me the story about howhe was the nice guy and #5 on the food chain when it came to his guys. He told me how he got these girls to make the transition from just friends to the next level. I throw the caution flier to myself that granted he comes off as a middle class kid, he's on a higher level for the simple facts that he is from the suburbs (cost of living is lower, that's why they are richer, they might make the same money as us city people, but their cost of living is lower) and let me see, he got hook ups from his friends and did I mention he has a car. I know the car thing didn't work out for me well, but I contend that I didn't have enough time to work that out. Me, I never got a hook up from anyone, its one of the reasons I'm in the situation that I am currently in now. I hseriously have my doubts about this. Only time will tell how things go. I just might spend the rest of my life miserable and single...and people in relationships, don't be jealous, remember you guys are the ones teasing me.
That's it for tonight folks, good night/good morning and have a pleasant tomorrow/later today!

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