Saturday, December 10, 2005

A few hours earlier

I was motivated to write a blog. But now as the night winds down and i drink some more and I reflect and I get pissed and all that shit that comes with the combination of jealousy, finals week, depression, alcohol, stress, sexual frustration and all that good stuff....and i don't know where i was going with that. I had stuff that i said i'd write here that i don't remember i'll figure it out later because I don't care. I know it involved poetry and things of that nature and some other bullshit i'm going thru. Well I guess i can give you what little is on my mind right now. Let's see, looks like everyones falling in love. I fell in love, but yeah, we know how that works for me. Don't bring that juice to a gin party. REJECTION! I took that line from Stuart Scott. Anyways, yeah I'm single and miserable again, well not really again, but its more focused now as everyone settles. I'm sick of spending holiday season alone. I'm sick of thanksgiving everyone asking where's your girlfriend. I'm sick of cold nights alone and waking up every morning knowing that there's no one who cares for me. My love life is effectively over before it even got started. It's a shame, I have so much potential. I'm a generally decent guy who would love to spoil a girlfriend if he ever had one. Show her off like she's the greatest thing in the world. But I guess that's asking too much. Ooh I had a great conversation with my roommate's girlfriend tonight. I don't konw what everyone's deal was tonight but everyone was trying to get me to go out as if they were trying to get rid of me or something. I dunno sounds whack to me, especially when people are just throwing out scenarios for me to go out. I guess my friends are concerned, and I guess I appreciate it, but they're not doing a great job of making me feel better, which granted isn't their job but you know I wonder about the alterior motives of people sometimes and what they really want. I dunno maybe its me being paranoid again.
Here's something I've been itching to get at and hopefully someone can give me an answer or something. So a friend and I were talking about hooking people up, and my friend was telling me about how high school it was to have to "hook people" up. And I thought about it and I was like intersting because you know some people need help. Some people need a third party to get it done. You know, I never got hooked up with anyone in high school. Even my friends who had girlfriends who had single girlfriends still couldn't manage to hook me up. And this is why I'm in the situation I'm in now because everyone got theirs in high school and stuff and if things fall apart now, they can always go back to that one back in high school. See my thing is that, well now that I don't remember where this was going, I'm lost. Oh yeah, how high school-ish it is when people have to hook people up. Well, lets see, I felt bad when that was said because you know I failed at getting a girlfriend in highschool and have failed so far in college to get one so the only way to get it is maybe get help from a friend. Wow, this argument sounded so much better in my head. GRRR!!! Maybe i'll be able to clear it up tomorrow.
So I'm reading the conversation that me and my roomie's girlfriend had online tonite about me going out and stuff and wow, I'm aggrivated, whats even more interesting is that I aggraveted her, she went off on my ass. But you know what, I'm sick of the cheap shots. I'm sick of them, I try I fail and they give me shit because I don't have confidence. Well folks welcome to catch 22 where I ask the question How can you have confidence when you've failed your whole life? I don't know its not worth it any more. This is all bullshit, fuck it! I'm done

No comments: