As of right now, my mindset is eerily similar to something I went through last year. Academically I'm lost again. As the days go on I regret becoming a journalism major. Not because it's not what I want to do, but just because I feel as if by declaring a major so young in my collegiate career that I limited what I could do and limited my mind on what I wanted to do. So instead of becoming that great columnist or that great sports reporter I'm thinking instead about being an English teacher, or a writer. Right now there are two things I REALLY want to do. I want to go on a vacation and either write a book that is loosely based on my life OR I want to write a book of poetry, now that I'm back in my poetry phase. As of right now my focus is getting superior grades in each of my classes. NO EXCUSES, it's time to get shit done and get it done the right way.
Focus, hmm that's a good word. Okay so I lied, my grades are not my complete focus, back to my social life. So far I've done a good job repressing all feelings I've had. But I don't know how much longer I can do it. What I'm doing is oh so difficult and excrutiating. It's so complex as of right now that I can't even explain it. I truly do not have the words nor the need to explain it to an audience. Though I must say there's an audience out there that knows my story, but that is a select group. I'm at a bit of a crossroads. I see some of my closest friends in generally happy relationships and then there's lil' ole me still waiting for my piece of the pie. And once again, the worst place to be single is when ur friends aren't. Nothing more depressing as being the single guy in a group of those who are taken. You're the outside looking in, listening to their stories and not being able to contribute, ready to take the shot that you know is coming because you are the inexperienced one. So my dilemma as of right now is: settle or search or stand pat. As of right now I'm standing pat. I'd LOVE to settle, but I'm like a sports team executive, should I be a ceiling guy or a floor guy? Go for what I know or go for what COULD be and hope to land in the potential pool. And everytime I go on a search I come back empty handed. Kinda like President Bush in his search for Osama or those weapons of mass destruction.
And finally, the Cubs aren't helping matters much. They did a good job of bending over against the Cardinals even though they kept Pooholes in check for the entire series. It's depressing watching that team, knowing what's going to happen and playing it out in your head before it happens on TV and it somehow turns out worse than what you could have imagined. And then to get swept by the Pirates. Dear Joe Giardi, don't only bring yourself, bring along Miggy Cabrera, Han Ram (SS Hanley Ramirez), Ricky Nolasco, Josh Johnson & Dontrelle with you too. The Cubs are no longer a sinking ship, they are the Titanic. And to think, it was only October 13th 2003 when I thought I was going to a World Series. I was wrong, dead wrong!
Right now I'm stuck in a moment, and I want out!