I remember the first time I ever heard of a blog, I learned that one of its uses was that it could be basically used as a confessional. Using the space granted to get things off your chest. Well I'm at that point in this day where I NEED to get something off of my chest.
First of all I'd like to say that it is quite possible that I have changed. Some will say that I have changed for the worse. I might agree, I might disagree, but I just want to be happy and I'm not changing just for anyone. Secondly I realized where I have failed the last two years. Basics. I haven't gone back to the basics. I haven't gone back to simplicity or my happy zone and it has bogged me down for the last year or so. So where is this random confessional blog coming from? I reference November 2005, a period in which I call the downfall period. That's where the downward spiral begins. And why does it begin, why else, a woman! Next I'll reference my epiphany from last November (you can read it in the Nov. 2005 blog section). In short I realized that I had a crush and that all crushes come to an end at one point or another, somehow or someway.
So if you're reading this you're wondering where I'm going with this. Well it was about 9 months ago when I did the dumbest thing that I've EVER done in my life. Everyone knows that I'm not the kind of person who lives with regret I usually just move along. This one I haven't. Because of this situation I've made a hypocrite out of myself. For years all I've wanted is that if I couldn't date a girl that we could at least be civil and be "just friends." And now I know why all my friends have told me that you can't be "just friends" with girls, especially girls you had feelings for. It just makes things awkwards especially when one party has those feelings and the other doesn't. To quote the Rascal Flatts song "What hurts the most is being so close..." and that's where I was, so close. Or at least that is what I like to think. Basically I let what could have been the best thing to EVER happen to me just go without a fight and it kills me inside EVERY DAY! I said then in my blog that the best idea for me would have been just to go away, far away and never return. I said it half-heartedly then, but now I realize that would have been the smart decision to make. So now I can't get her out of my head, especially with her being one of my closest friends. She's perfect in basically every way, she doesn't see it but I do. Her boyfriend takes her for granted and doesn't appreciate what he's got. He doesn't see it, but I do. So here I am, in too deep with feelings for my friend (who happens to be my ex-roomie's) girlfriend. It's the absolute WORST thing that could have happened.
And getting over her hasn't been easy. In fact I have really just come to realize NOW that I'm not over her. Why aren't I over her? It's simple. A) I haven't found another girl & B) We've remained close friends. That's a recipe for failure and disaster. I said it back in November that I either need to find a girl for my own and not just any girl, not no one night stand, not some fling, I need to find THE GIRL to get over this one. Or I needed to cut all ties. At this point, not finding ANY girl, my best bet is to cut all ties. It just goes to stregnthen my case that I am destined to be alone and miserable. It only makes PERFECT sense.
On top of that another situation has made a complete hypocrite out of me. I'm in a situation where basically I have someone served on a silver platter for me, actually set up for success. However I really don't have an interest in this person. Not yet at least. I'm sorry I just can't jump like that, it's not who I am. Especially when I'm not over her yet. I hate being forced I hate being pressured. As of now there's only a handful of girls I'd jump for right now and as of now all of them are unattainable to me so really I'm stuck in the situation every girl I've gone after has been in. I remember hating every girl that told me this "I like you but not in that way." Now that I'm in those shoes I know what the girls have meant.
I'm honestly just waiting for one more to fall, and then I can claim the official end of me. I know it's coming, and I know it is coming soon. I'm waiting for it, and when it comes I'll curl up on my bed, hug a pillow and cry myself to sleep. It's times like these that REMIND me that I am cursed, no matter what anyone says.
One of these days I'm gonna be presented with the following situation. It'll either to settle for the sake of settling or I'm gonna be alone and depressed for a long time. That's it, like Chris Rock said "Married and bored or single and lonely." That's gonna be me, well it is me now, single and lonely.