Sunday, September 17, 2006

About Last Night (And Tonight Too)

A couple of things. First of all I suck at typing when I've been drinking. I think blogging should be one of those things like texting and drunk dialing that should be outlawed when drinking. But I did it anyways. Actually now that I think of it I did all three last night.
Last night (and today) was one of those odd days that had a good start and a poor finish. It seems that everytime I want to go out and drink I come back pissed off. On top of that, I can't honestly remember the last time I drank and did not get absolutely fucked up. I used to be a social drinker, I honestly did, and then sometime sophomore year I quit with that. I'll be honest I point at the weekend Tony came to visit because it's the first time I honestly went out and drank to get absolutely fucked up cuz I was depressed. I find a common theme because really I'm not happy in Carbondale. One of the few things I remember about last night's phone conversation was me repeating "I can't do this anymore, I can't do this anymore." That's how I felt, it wasn't just the alcohol, it was me. I'm not happy here. I content, I'll deal, but I'm not full blown happy. I feel out of place and lonely. I don't feel loved, let alone respected. I don't feel that anything is going right or meant to go right for that part. Oh that was another thing I remember saying last night "I'm not meant to be happy." And until something happens that makes me happy I'll be correct. It's nights like last night that remind me why I believe I'm cursed. Because really there is no reason for me to be in the position I currently am in. Someone of my stature and at my age should be out there either settling down or should be hooking up. Neither of which I can do at this stage of my life.
The feelings I hate are as follows: helplessness, lonliness and depression. All three of which I am currently feeling. I feel as if I can't do anything right and everytime I do anything right nothing comes of it. Lonliness, it comes with the territory of being single. It doesn't help that all of my close friends are in relationships. Depression, comes with the first two. It always comes, it's like the most inevitable feeling in the world. It's like the Cubs choke/collapse, you don't want it to come, you hope it doesn't come but you resign yourself to the fate of it eventually coming.
I hate being single and my fear is that either I'm gonna spend an eternity single, lonely and depressed or I'm gonna settle for the first thing that comes along because she'd be the only thing that would give me the time of day. I don't want to be in that situation. I desperately do not want to be single either, but I don't want to be with a girl just because I have nothing else. That's how I feel now like I have nothing and really check the record books I really don't have anything in that department. I love how people can say "If all else fails, if me and this guy (or girl) isn't married by (fill in age here) we'll be together." That's nice, um if I'm not married by (fill in the aformentioned age) I'll probably hang myself (or insert some other snippy line.)
It's just frustrating. And I don't know what is worse sometimes: having no opportunities or having blown several really good ones. And who really knows how good those were. I'm probably overreacting and have something right in my face and I'm totally missing it. That would just be me in a nutshell. Lu being Lu to put it bluntly. Oh, I now remember MORE of what I said last night. "That's all I need, another girl that wants to be just a friend." That's what my life is, it's a vicious cycle of repetitiveness as redundant as that sounds. It's the soundtrack to my love life. Don't get me wrong, I love having female friends because they're fun and supportive and it gives you a different viewpoint. On the other hand, nothing hurts more on the inside than having a girl, who is a friend, that you absolutely have NO CHANCE at dating. That's like winning the lotto coming from a hicktown. What good is the money if you have no stores to spend it at? I might be a horrible person for saying this, and if anyone of significance reads this they will either not talk to me again or will lose all respect they have for me whatsoever but here goes nothing. What good is a close female friend if you have no shot? Seriously even on paper that looks like a rediculous statement. In fact I take it back because there is a lot of good they can do, but I think anyone who knows me and decides to read this will understand where I'm coming from in this blog (especially with those most recent statements.)
To recap the entire blog. I'm not happy. I'm kinda on the brink of depression. No one loves me. I'm on the verge of resigning myself to the facts that A) I'm not meant to be happy B) I'm meant to be single and lonely and C) My purpose in life is to be second fiddle/the guy who is every girl's best friend. Oh and did I mention I'm pretty PISSED OFF!?!?

QUESTION OF THE NIGHT: So how do you reverse a curse? The Red Sox did it with power pitching and an intimidating middle of the order and great team play. The White Sox got lucky, plain and simple talk about everything that could go right went right for them. So I sit here with a black cloud over my head trying to cure a curse that is plaguing my love life. I don't have the millions of dollars that the BoSox have to load up and get what I need. I don't have an "organization" because remember Jerry Reinsdorf (ChiSox owner) said that it was ORGANIZATIONS that win championships. I don't have an "organization" to help me out here. Maybe I should just quit. Maybe I should call it retirement so it sounds better to the ear because quitting just makes me sound like a loser. But think about it if you were in my shoes you'd quit too.

AND ANOTHER THING. I can't believe that I totally forgot to mention the two biggest stories of the day, the only highlights. For the first time in 23 years, SIU has beaten a division 1A school, and became the first Gateway Conference school to beat a Big Ten team ever by virtue of its victory against Indiana University (yes THE INDIANA UNIVERSITY that produced Antwaan Randle-El and Bobby Knight!) The celebration was killer. Almost as killer as the smile on my face when I saw that Michigan made Notre Dame their little bitches and put up 47 points against the #2 team in the country at the HOME of the #2 team in the country. O-VER-RATED!!!! OVERRATED!!!!!!! WOOO!!!! And that's it, oh and as a sidenote the Cubs won 4-0 behind a Rich Hill compelte game 2-hit shut out of the Cincinnati Reds giving the Cubs their first complete game of the season therefore avoiding the stigma of being the only major league team EVER not to have a complete game pitched for them in a single season. With all that good news, I still found a way to dwell on the negative. It's just Lu being Lu I guess!

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