Saturday, January 21, 2006

I got out of bed to write this, so you know it will be good

So this is what I get! This is what I get for being relatively optimistic, let alone cautiously optimistic. I should have honestly known better than to think something, ANYTHING good would/could/can happen to me. Now I remember why I spent most of first semester depressed and pissed and angry and drinky. Because at the age of 19 I have no girlfriend, I have no prospects and everyone else seems to be happy but me. I thought tonight was corner turning night. Instead, Hairbangers was sold out, I had no date, I wasn't even called or messaged back. So I sit here, listening to a mellow whitey music mix as I type the night away because I have come to the ULTIMATE conclusion that either A) I'll spend the rest of my days single and lonely B) depressed or C) I don't have an answer for C so FUCK IT! I'm pissed (as you can see) and why shouldn't I be. Well the better question is WHY do I let myself get into these situations in which I set myself up for failure. Why do i let myself get up because I KNOW that failure is imminent. I don't know, I honestly wish I had answers to my own questions. Oh I should have NEVER gotten my hopes up, whenever I think something good is gonna happen to me, I should always remember/realize that this is ME we are talking about and that nothing good is supposed to happen to me. I'm quite disappointed in myself to be honest. I should be out, 1st weekend back and what did I do with it, NOTHING except get drunk in my room by myself. I haven't met any girls, nor have I made any new friends this semester. AND I SHAVED! Sometimes I think to myself that I should grow out the beard and say FUCK EVERYONE and look like a friggin cave man! THIS SUCKS! I hate being behind the curve. I absouletly HATE being single. Not necessarily because I'm alone, but because everyone else has had something and I have had nothing. I also hate being single because, well I had better reasoning, I wish i didn't drink then i'd be able to get it all out. But no, the only way to get over this is to drink. And where am I, a soophomore in college who has TOTALLY FUCKED HIMSELF IN SCHOOL and probably won't get married let alone have sex with a girl. I wonder, WHY ME!?!?!? What did I do to deserve this fate? And I know people out there reading this will be like "why is he so down, he don't got it that bad" well to be honest folks, I don't got it that bad. But everything that means anything to the outside world, I don't have it. Never had a girlfriend, never had sex, never had nothing that is worth anything to any other teenager that's out there now. Sure you'll say "hey why fit in when you can stick out" well there's a difference, I'm sticking out in a bad way! All I know is that I'm stuck here, alone and loneliness SUCKS and I'm sick of it. I'm pissed! I hate being angry because life is too short to be angry, but you know what that's the only thing that's going through my mind right now. Anger and disppointment, two recurring themes in my life.

No comments: