Saturday, November 12, 2005

Friday Night Confessions

So, yeah, it's 1:08 and I just got back from the bars. I wasn't even going to go out tonight. I would have settled for my original plan which was watching American Pie, American Pie 2, and American Wedding as entertainment tonight. Instead, I was kinda dragged out by a few friends. I don't like being dragged out, though don't get me wrong, I can be dragged out easily by certain people and for certain reasons, just tonight wasn't a good night. So anyways, at least I got off of my dorm floor today, YAY ME! I accomplished something today. Well, while at the bars, it wasn't necessarily popping. As I left Stix, it wasn't that bad but I just wasn't interested in doing anything except laying in my bed. We went to Gatsby's and that was DEAD so yeah, back to the dorms we went. It was a very uneventful day today, so there wasn't much going on in my mind. And to think, we were supposedly going to camp this weekend. Yeah what a waste of meals, money and ideas on trying to get this done. I think next time, we should put some more thought, time, effort into this and maybe some more responsible people and yeah, we can get this off the ground.
WHAT'S MY BEEF? And Random Thoughts
I got beef, and lots of it. I also got a lot of random thoughts so heeeeere we go....Sometimes when I go out on the weekends drinking, I feel out of place. I feel like I'm in the wrong town, wrong school, doing the wrong things, and hanging with the wrong people. I'd like to go back to normality if normality didn't suck so much. The problem is, all college towns are like this, all my friends who are at stereotypical college towns hate it and can't wait til they get their chance to go home. So I feel like uhh so lost and so empty at this paraphase one of my favorite conversations with my guy Alex "Did I ever tell you I hate people?" his response "it came up in conversation" my response "and..." his answer "i agreed" yeah people not high on my list right now. Hold on I have a point to make, actually it's an observation. It's the same observation I made in the beginning of the school year. EVERYONE LOOKS THE SAME AND DRESSES THE SAME. I remember I used to wear collard shirt and nice clothes all the damn time and people would ask me "why you so dressed up?" and my response was always because dressing up makes me feel good. However, looks like I caught myself in a trend because everyone is doing it. It sucks, cuz I was at the beginning of the curve and now it's hot and it's pissing me off cuz no one has originality anymore, everyone's a friggin clone. All the guys look the same. All the girls are bleached blonde with no personality that doesn't involve gold digging. I wish someone could just stand out for once like I did. Oh well, just ain't meant to be....Speaking of just ain't meant to be, I'm convinced I'm gonna be single for a long time, and tonight is more proof of that. Were there any decent looking girls out there? Some. Was I attracted? A little. But I realized I have nothing. I have no "game." I have nothing to bring to the table. I don't have much of anything. I'm a nice guy who was raised in a middle class home by decent people who's going to end up a decent person. And probably lonely. I don't spend money on things I don't have to. I'm not super flashy, I don't live out of my means, I'm just normal, nothing really stands out about me. I have no confidence when it comes to girls. Which is funny, because a long time ago, I had some confidence and I had something, now I have nothing. I used to laugh at rejection because I used to have the mindset "hey, if not you, it'll be someone else." And the more rejection came the harder it hit and now, I've come to the realization that I fear rejection. That's why I'm not active. I'm scared, I'm tentative and I'm not confident. Why do I bring this up in random thoughts, simple because of my roommate. The man has currently driven me up a wall. He was the one who used to tell me not to worry about things like that, and that getting laid isn't as important as everyone makes it out to be and stuff like that. And I like hearing that, because I think it's overrated. And then there's people out there that say that I say it's overrated (it being sex) because I haven't had it. But the chase, the chase has me tired! I'm sick of the chase...anyways back to my story...So my roommate calls me while at the bars and he's on me: go get some pussy, go get some ass, get some random drunk girl and get some. The same person who was telling me that it wasn't important and I'm getting it from him on the phone. He kept asking Lu, are you getting some. My response in a monotone voice: no. No, Lu, what's your answer? My answer stays the same in the same tone: no. I'm not hanging up the phone until I hear you say the correct answer. That's when I hang up the phone. Then he calls the people we're with to tell them to hook me up. I'll tell ya what folks, I AM A LOST CAUSE! It's a battle that's not worth fighting for. There are so many metaphors that I could use to describe this situation, but it's pretty damn self explanitory. I wish people would just understand. I don't wanna be that guy. I don't wanna be Mr. One night stand, I don't want random hoes, I'm tired of all this, it's not worth anything. I wish there were more people who believed that so maybe they can change public perception of things. You know what I really wish though. I wish I could find ONE DECENT GIRL that isn't just interested in being my friend. Cuz damn, I'm friend to all, and you know it's really starting to get to me. It all goes back to my motto: underrated and overlooked....ARGH! I hate being upset. I used to be happy, I used to be happy all the time. Things like this never happened because they weren't on my mind. Things like this didn't bother me. I used to be happy-go-lucky. I used to always wear a smile and always had a positive thought in my head. Look what college has turned me into. College has turned me into a cynical, depressed, angry, bitter man. Actually, I'll take it one step further, it all started for senior prom. That was the first chase I didn't want to go on. I ended up chasing down a bitch that just used me when I could've gone with someone else and had a good time and maybe JUST MAYBE I could've taken things a step further with her. Instead I find myself in this envious situation (hear the sarcasm) and I just want it all to be over....Sometimes I feel that I am personally victimized by some type of curse, hex, or something like that. :-( I'm not happy and there isn't much out there that can make me happy!

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