Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Late Night Thoughts

Well folks its over. What you ask? Me. Lets start from the beginning. Class sucked, I spent 40 of the 40 minutes of class writing poetry, yeah this was a geology class. Went to wal-mart, got my cookin stuff for my cheesecake which really won't do much because yeah, i'm making that and even though supposedly girls dig guys that can cook, that doesn't cover me cuz chicks don't dig me. I feel as if I'm in a constant downward spiral since this week began, well at least since Sunday. I left an away message earlier on AIM and MSN saying: "They say misery loves company but I'd rather be alone in a hobbitt hole, and it doesn't have to do with the Carolina loss." I don't know, my mind, which I recently found is now leaving me, slowly as the days go on. Everything is bothering me, and when I say everything, I mean everything. Sometimes, I feel that I rushed myself into college. I'm a believer that high school is more important than college, but thats besides the point, thats a different topic for a different night. Right now I feel really out of place, I feel immature and I don't feel prepared for what I'm going through right now. I really wish I would have taken a year off before my freshman year of college. I could use some time off now. I feel miserable in all of my classes, and school sucks. I'm sucking at school and I don't have much of an explanation on why. I'm really considering dropping out much to the chagrin of EVERYONE i know. I do my homework, I go to class for the most part, at least the classes I need to be at on a daily basis, I have been bombing some quizzes, but I'm not going through typical college student failures. My drinking is WAY down from second semester last year where it was supremely down, so thats not an excuse. I haven't picked up any bad drug habits. I have no idea whats wrong with me. On top of that, I don't know what I want to do with my life. When I was younger, I wanted to announce for the Cubs, it was my life long dream and goal. Harry Caray and Steve Stone were not only my inspiration but they were the guys that tought me everything I needed to know in life. Between Stoney's "advice for all you little leaguers out there" and Uncle Harry and his bud drinkin boob chasin ways, I learned a lot from Cubs baseball over the years. But now that I know how the politics run in the Tribune Company and around the baseball media circles, my best bet would be on a neutral party station (i.e. The Score or something like that.) Then I wanted to become a journalist because I love to write. Problem there is that I have no experience. I didn't have the grades to write for the school paper, but I had the talent, I've always had a great talent to write and to write well. It's even tougher now to get into the journalism profession because everything is going on-line and everything is syndicated (another reason the radio gig probably won't work for me either.) So after that would be an advice columnist or an advice show, but lets just say I have a face for radio though I reflect a 50 cent line "I ain't a pretty n*gga but my moms thinks I'm handsome." So I'm thinking about a counselor of some sort, or maybe even a teacher. My love of helping people combined with my love of writing could make this a possible career. But in the end, I really don't know what I want, I feel rushed, and I'm almost 20, i figure at the most I live til 60, 40 years of live a short life to be dead a long time. Girls are a major issue in my life. I can't get them, I feel so left out. I hear and see my guys here at school and at home have all these success stories with girls and me, I have nothing to bring to the table. It sickens me cuz I deserve better than what I have. I can help everyone else with their problems, but I can't solve my own, that sucks. Women have absolutely driven me up a wall and down a wayward path. I've heard it all from girls. Rejection (check) bad boyfriend stories (check) I could use a nice guy stories (check) let's just be friends (check) even though you like me things will be the same (check). Yeah, when it comes to women I'm definetly on the short end of the stick there. When it comes to girls, my life might as well be scripted because its the same shit different day. I like a girl, she doesn't like me we say we'll be cool but we drift (scenario one). I like a girl, I say nothing and it eats me up inside while she's with other guys (scenario two). I like a girl say something about it and then clear and utter rejection, simple, yet heartbreaking (scenario three). I haven't had a girl who was interested in me, well not a real one at least. Scenario four would be nice, that would be the one where I like a girl and I tell her that I like her and she feels the same way. But that would be too damn easy. So my options here include: going gay (won't happen, i'm not anti-gay, but it just ain't me), becoming a priest (hey I wanted to be pope last year and why not, I'm young so they won't have to worry about replacing me, I'm a virgin and i'm a minority...imagine the power the pope can have with chicks tho if i reform the church), i could always settle for less like I've done all my life with EVERYTHING and live a life of mediocrity surrounded by suckiness (and why not, I'm already there.)........well you know how I hooked up my roommate yeah, I'm having second thoughts. A little bit of them have to do with my feelings, but i'm over it, what hurts is that I lost my ace wingman. Now, I know that seems very selfish, but I've been waiting for him to get over Becca and go out with me like he said he would cuz he made excuses that he had no money and didn't wanna do anything while Becca was stuck at home and blah blah blah. So basically I set up my own failure there. So now I have no ace wingman, I am the wingman, I'm Mr. Wingman. And i know i shouldn't base "dating" or things of that nature on another person, but I have no confidence, when you've been put down as much as I have been, there ain't enough fronting in the world that can boost the confidence meter. And I still stand by my statement that he doesn't deserve her, but whatever. Yeah, I've taken shit for not being able to hook myself up but I can't I just don't have that power. I wish I did, I just don't. I'm almost resigned to the fate that I will spend my life lonely, single and bitter. So I'm miserable. But it's because I've never had anything that was better than anyone elses, as superficial as that sounds. I've had two cars, a '92 escort (aptly named putt-putt) that perfectly personified me. It wasn't the best looking, but it did what it was asked to do, very efficient in many ways was that car. My next car was my '97 chevy lumina which was wrecked one week before school was supposed to start in an accident which still hurts me today because it has set me back personally. Once again, nothing flashy, but it was a great car that did what it was supposed to do (go from point a to point b.) I never won a championship in anything. Yes, I did win the chance to throw out the first pitch at wrigley field, but that isn't a championship, there's not plaque there's no ring, there's no trophy, there was that picture, the pitch, the seats, thats it, oh and the memories. That's why attatch myself to the Cubs, because I feel that the day that they win a championship I will be fulfilled because it will be something I can call my own because I've been through all of the bad for one moment of good, it'd be worth it. The girlfriend, i've never had. I've seen all of my friends prosper in relationships as I sat on the sideline either hooking them up or helping them out and I had nothing. I'VE NEVER HAD ANYTHING! That's why I want a girlfriend, a really pretty one with a great personality. That would be trophy like, its something i can call mine. Not like if it was property or anything, its just having nothing sucks! (i know ppl are worst off than i am but i'm flirting with depression only rivaled by last year second semester around valentine's day) So yeah, the beard I'm growing, I might keep it til the Cubs win the series. We'll see how I feel. There was so much more to write, but I was interrupted several times by visitors and IMs, so I promise to post the poetry and things tomorrow, you will definetly be entertained. If you aren't already tonight! I feel stupid, neglected, rejected and oh so lost. I wish I could find my way. If you can help it'd be appreciated.

No comments: