Tuesday, November 15, 2005

YAY! I FOUND MY MIND! (and other things that happened today)

Finally I get to blog! What a day, what a day, let me repeat WHAT A DAY FOR YOUR BOY LU! Where do I begin? Well, started my day off with a brunch meal before actually going to my math class. It was very satisfying to eat and then walk to class. Class sucked though so that was a bit of a buzz kill. In a class of 200 kids only 57 showed up. Amazing. Next class was next door and yeah I had some problems there. I have a lot of problems paying attention in that class it's so boring and so blah! Then came the highlight of the day, English class. I was praised for once on my papers and how hard I work in that class and how I owe it to my parents. Funny how this came up. Our teacher asked us how we would describe our parents. Liberal and easy? Lotsa hands went up. In the middle? A few hands went up. A few hands went up for strict. She asked me why I didn't raise my hand. That's when I answered, I'd describe my parents as a tyranny, a dictatorship I guess. And then came the praise. "And you've turned out pretty well from what I'm seeing." It's so true, sure I didn't have the greatest social life in high school. Sure, I wasn't allowed to stay up late, go out when I want, hell the only reason I had a car was because it was a hand me down from my auntie. Even then I had curfew's and things. YAY FOR MY PARENTS, y'all raised a good one. Now to the highlight of English class but not before some other stuff. I've accomplished something in that class, I'm able to relate the books that we've read to things that people say and stuff in real life. That's how you know you've accomplished something at school. 10 years from now, no one's gonna care about what your GPA was, they're gonna care how knowledgeable you are. Well, my teacher made an off-hand remark about how today was the perfect day for suicide. Cold, dreary, wet, a very depressing looking day, she makes a great point. Which brought up the right to live: who is to tell you how to live your life. Which was the EXACT point in the story we read two books ago Mrs. Dalloway. YAY me for learning and reacting and responding. Later we talked about racism, contradiction and how one persons last words in the book Heart of Darkness is an idictment not only on himself and the people around him on the mission, but can be meant for others. Read the book by Joseph Conrad 'Heart of Darkness' it's worth the read! And here's where I had my epiphany in class today. Basically we were talking about infactuation and crushes. And how crushes aren't a reflection of the person you are crushing on, instead they are a reflection of you. You crush on person A and in your eyes they can do no wrong, they're perfect. And one way or another the crush ends. It could be rejection, a blooming relationship. Not only in that way but the crush ends in a subtle way like actually talking to them or meeting them. That's the hump, it's all downhill from there any way you put it. And THAT is where it hit me. Everything. Everything, it all made sense, everything fell in place in my mind and my mind was at peace. I felt weight off my shoulder leave. Everything made sense it was like a ray of sunlight came through the clouds and everything was settled. EVERYTHING MADE SENSE. Things with girls made sense FINALLY. I reflected on myself and it was like wow, it was a reflection on me and just everything clicked. It was great, I couldn't help myself. Things with life made sense, it was great, it was a great feeling to be happy.....Well enough of that there were some other interesting things that happened today, but nothing really to write home about. Actually there's more stuff to talk about my vision, but I wanna sleep on it before I write it in here. Also I've resigned myself to a lot of fates that I really wish I didn't have to resign myself too. Most of them do concern women, in fact, all of them too. It all stems from a conversation with my roommate. Yeah, we still like the same girl and we were talkin about it. We were talking about the prospects of them and all of the other guys that like her. We eliminated them for one reason or another, then I basically eliminated myself. There's the self reflection. Here's exactly how I eliminted myself:

"Me (lmfao) in my wildest dreams that include a year in which the bears, bulls, cubs and SIU win championships and i'm there to witness each of them in person front row with a press pass."

It's how I felt and how I feel. My roommate didn't do anything or say anything to refute that, I actually thought he would, I guess it hurt more after he agreed completely. He knows how I feel about her, hell I told him in the beginning when I met her. But yeah, I guess we differ too much, I can't give her what she wants, despite how simple she is. She doesn't come with major baggage, she doesn't come with 'me' issues, she's got a great personality, a good head on her shoulders, but she's country I'm city. And I'm actual city, not prep. I'm from the streets bitch j/k. I come from a middle class home where I was raised correctly with an old school mindset about a lot of things. Where we conflict is supposedly my views on women. Somehow I see women as a piece of ass that should be taken care of. OHHHH MY!!!!! Well, I have to defend myself, and here's my defense. College has skewed my views on women. I have NEVER looked at women as a piece of ass and if someone believes that then they obviously don't know me. If I somehow come off like that, either people can't read me or I'm sending out the wrong vibes. But all in all, COLLEGE HAS FUCKED ME OVER. The media has helped in that process. Peer pressure has helped further that sick thought in my head. The whole prom night sex thing...overrated and not worth the time effort and most importantly money that goes into the potential of having sex with a girl. One night stands, HAH! I laugh, especially the one's that are alcohol related. I don't want to wake up next to a random girl wondering "what the fuck happened last night?" or something with no strings attatched. I'm not like that, I never thought of anything like that. But between the media that pushes sex everywhere and dangles it in your face as something attainable and as if it was something you wanted and needed and couldn't live without. And then peer pressure pushes it to a limit and it pushes you more than pushing, it shoves you and forces you to pick a side, it's like a friggin Dusty Baker motivational speech. You're either with them or with us. You either need to be having random meaningless sex with anything that walks or you need to be a virgin 'til marriage or the right girl comes along. College has skewed my mind too much. Here's another self reflection, I'm too weak. I'm too weak to handle this pressure; the peer pressure, the media crusade all that stuff, I'm too weak. But the idea that I think of women as a piece of ass, well it comes when it's forcefed down your throat from the media and your "friends." The friends that tell you that its overrated are the ones pressuring you the most. It's your friends that have relationships and whenever you're around you can't escape it. You can't escape that lovey-dovey feeling. And this is where I'm weak too, I've finally learned I'm the jealous type. Shame on me, I've never been one to be jealous of what someone else had because I always wanted my own things. But once again as you get older, your mind is shaped for you. But yeah back to this girl. I have to get this off my chest because the similarities between her and the girl from last year are just too eerie to overlook them. Cute, blonde, great personality, simple genuine small town girls and the whole virgin thing. And sometimes I think its just me. And the cherry on top the new girl used the old girl's ID to get into the concert on Saturday. IRONY IS ALL OVER THIS BEYOTCH! I was actually joking (kinda) when I was telling my roommate that sometime before this semester is over, I'm gonna get completely trashed and confess my love in a way that makes last year look small time. It's funny cuz the same way I felt about the girl last year is the same way I feel about the one this year. There's connections and similarities. But because of what happened last year, it's why I'm keeping a lot to myself and on this blog. I don't want to lose another friend. Oh, funny thing number two, irony number two. I might have mentioned last night that last years girl wants to go to Columbia College in Chicago because SIU can't give her the fame and things of that nature that the big city can. And I'm THE QUISESSENTIAL CITY BOY! It actually sickens me. And at this point I realize, my mind is working again. The fact that my mind is fully functional again makes me smile inside and out. Ladies and gentleman, I'm back, so get ready for the old school Lu-style blogs. Informing, entertaing and maybe, just maybe you might catch a laugh or two along the way. I'm back motherfuckers!!!!!

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