Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Tuesday Things

As of right now, my mind is as crowded as a Wrigley Field bathroom. So let's just say my mind is cluttered and disorganized and things just don't seem quite right. So I'm drawing off of last nights post for things to write about.
  • So today was quite an interesting day during the day light hours. It was a really nice day, it showed when very few people showed up to class today. There was maybe 40 people out of the 100 that were in the class, it felt like less though in the gigantic lecture hall. So we talked about voter turnout and things like that. I had some really good things to say, but we were pressed for time in class, but I did talk to my instructors after class. I brought up a real good point, which was that a lot of celebrities that were out there "rocking the vote" either didn't vote or in many cases weren't even registered to vote. Teacher thought that was a good point and wished I would have brought it up in class. I also mentioned that I used to be involved with politics and even though I'm not as involved, I still vote and I still keep myself informed when it comes to "the issues." That's rare to find in someone in my age group. In general we're not interested in voting.....So it was a rough day on the basketball court. It shouldn't have been, but it was because of who I played with. After two decent games, my roommate decided to slack off and play like an assbag with me and I got fed up after playing hard. I have a bit of a killer instinct and a bit of competitive nature, and I HATE LOSING. I've spent a lot of my life being a loser, I'd rather not be one in a game of basketball. After the embarassing loss, I stormed off the court, only after I spent a few minutes lying on my back on the court trying to catch my breath because I was absolutely sick. Instead of just going back to the room to listen to the Boers and Bernstein show, I sat outside on a bench and enjoyed a really gorgeous day in Carbondale. I sat around watching kids play football and softball and enjoying the sights and sounds of what was a spring like day. In the background the breeze was so nice it was like it was saying things to me. I think the highlight of the afternoon was the guy on the bench across from me who was playing an acoustic guitar singing songs. Honestly it was quite relaxing.....So tonight was an absolute disaster. I spent a lot of it taking a nap which felt kinda good, but I felt tired waking up. So later, despite my personal wishes, I listened to peer pressure and went out, against my own will and against the advice of not only my medicine but some close friends that I realize I should have listened to. I shouldn't have had a drink tonight, I really shouldn't have, but I let into peer pressure. Shame on me, I should really know better. I really fucked up and not only am I pissed off at a lot of people, I'm pissed off at myself. I'm not happy right now, but I'll get into that in a later bulletin point.
  • So I've decided what to give up for lent. First we'll start off with my arch-nemesis, alcohol. I've given up alcohol not only in attempt to make myself healthier, but clear my mind as well. I also have been wanting to kick the habit recently but haven't found a chance to, lent has given me a good out when it comes to step one in kicking the alcohol habit. Another thing I'm giving up for lent is dark soda pop (i.e. coke & pepsi) in another attempt to be a bit healthier, I'll be replacing those with apple juice, orange juice, water, lemonade and 7-up on occasions in which I have an upset stomach. Really if you think about it, since I'm giving up dark soda pop and alcohol, I've really also given up going out and getting drunk and partying. I might find myself at the bars to be sociable, but no house parties for 40 days/40 nights. I think that might help my lifestyle a bit. Granted there's an opposite side to this argument that I am quite fearful of. First of all, I'm in Carbondale and the one truth to this college town is that if you aren't wasted here there's nothing better to do except sulk around, and I've been doing a lot of sulking lately. So dark soda pop and alcohol and going out to house parties are things I've given up on for the next 40 days of lent. Oh boy, this could be disasterous, but it's worth the risk.
  • I'll hold off the Saluki Review and the So Sick segments for tomorrow's blog because really I'm tired and stressed and pissed about some things. I'm also skipping the MY DAMN CUBBIES post for the night, I'll probably get to that later this week.
  • So since I've given up on going out on the weekend, I think I need to find some new things to do on the weekend. Until I come up with better ideas, this is what I got for now. I can spend my Friday's cleaning. Saturday's in which college hoops isn't taking up my time I'll be watching movies, in fact, I might bring back movie night all for myself. Now that I'll be spending time with myself, now that my roommate's never here anymore (great friend he is, I'll get to that in the next bullett point) I can really buckle down in school. Actually, one thing that I am looking forward to during this lent period is that since I have so much time on my hands, I will have time to write poetry, which really has been missing this semester. And believe me I have things to write about. So if you the reader have any ideas, just leave them in the comments section. All suggestions will be taken into serious consideration.
  • In previous posts, I've described the tensions and the diminishing relationship that my roommate and I have/are having/are going through. Well, today I think they've taken a turn for the worst. As of now, I'm seeing a lot of bad things in him, a lot of negativity and a lot of selfishness. On my part this could be based on a lot of bitterness that goes back to last semester when he swept the girl that I had my eyes on and that he said that he would help me get, he swept her from under me and in fact was working on while he was in another relationship. Yeah, the one word I have for him is bastard. So beyond that, yeah he's been really snippy and really in a word, a jagbag. On top of that, he hasn't paid me back like he said he would and this was in NOVEMBER, I paid for the tickets in OCTOBER. There's no excuse, his excuses are bullshit and really I'm sick of being like this. I think the straw that broke the camel's back was tonight when during a bit of a rough period in a bit of a disagreement between his girlfriend and I (which really, she started) he basically told me this (actually, I'm taking it straight off MSN messenger): "stop bitchin, im tryin to have alone time with alicia." That's the fuckin straw, when the fuck aren't you trying to be up her ass. I'm really sick of it, and I knew I would regret the day I ever entertained the thought of hooking them two up. I'm sick of it all really.
  • So I had a brief conversation with my guy Al from U of I, and I think I came to a good conclusion. I think I'm going to start looking for schools at home. Really, I'm not happy here. There are moments in which I'm happy, but then things go back to normal and I'm not happy. Everywhere I've gone my past has followed me, and the exact reason I'm here is because I was hoping my past wouldn't follow me. Well boy was I wrong or what? It's quite depressing come to think of it. As I think about it, I don't know what to think about my situation. I came to SIU because it is where I wanted to be, educationally and socially. Now, I'm miserable and bitter and overall, I'm unhappy! I've spent a majority of my two years here upset and stressed out and that's not good for me or my health or my family who's paying for me to go to school. I think Alex made a great point when he said,"but unfortunately u kinda dun fit the southern puzzle." Good way to put it buddy.

FINAL THOUGHT: Sometimes things aren't the way they are supposed to be. Sometimes people aren't what you think they are. Things aren't about what you think they're about. And once you think you've gotten things figured out, you learn that you're wrong and by the time you figure out that you're wrong things are so fucked up that they're unfixable. One thing I've noticed about my people, and by my people I mean anyone from 16-25, it's all a front. Well I don't want to say that it's all a front, but a majority is a front. It's all one big show, in a sense it's all bullshit. It's the same shit different day and it's honestly, reality based of a group of falsehoods and inaccuracies. I wish things weren't like that, but even the most mature people that claim to be better than those who put up fronts and above those who are all about falsehoods and inaccuracies really aren't what they say they are. And that my friends is a damn shame!

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