Today was a weird day.
Something felt wrong all day and definetly weighed my mind down throughout. Woke up hungry but with a massive stomach ache, which explains why I've eaten nothing but crackers today. Good new is that I did get my poem done, I'll post it at the end of this blog for fun. But yeah, my english classes were interesting this morning, I must say. My last two classes, not so much. Econ is sooo boring to the point in which I was willing/ready to bust out the I-Pod and say fuck it. My physics lab was so confusing too. Granted I came to class unprepared because I only printed the text part (not including the diagrams) of my physics lab manual. So now I DO have to buy black ink. It's funny because with all the assignments I've done, I haven't used black ink in about a year and a half now. I'll make sure that in two weeks when I have lab again that I will have bought some black ink so I can reprint this stupid thing. As for my evening, I spent 5 hours sleeping. Why? Let me explain in this portion of the blog.
The Inevitable Day
In a sense it all started with an online convo last night, but truth be told it's been brooding for a long time now. It's a day that I knew that would come one day sooner or later. Everyone from close friends to even my mother, they all warned me about how to handle that day when it came because they all knew it would come. I've known that it was going to come one day, I was just hoping that I would be able to avoid it or by miracle it wouldn't come at all. It doesn't matter now because that day has come and now has officially past 24 hours removed from what could be (for all intents and purposes) the beginning of the end. For the first time since a late June evening, I cried myself to sleep even though that night I vowed NOT to do that ever again, but I couldn't control myself. So basically, I've failed as a friend. For some reason I couldn’t let her go like the others. Unlike the others she stayed close. For years I've said that if I couldn't make it work with a girl, I would just like to be friends. And for years it NEVER happened. And now I know why...because I can't handle it. And now our friendship hangs in the balance. All because of jealousy and regret, two things in which I've prided myself on not being. I've never been the jealous type and NEVER have lived with regret. Now I live with both. I've had nine months to get over her, and have failed miserably to do so, and now I find myself in the unenviable position of being Lu. I have two options in all of this. Either I need to change a little bit, or I need to go far away and by far away I mean cut ties. Cutting ties would be the easiest way out and probably the best for the greater good of everyone. But I don't want to do that because she's one of (if not) my closest friend and I'd hate for it to be thrown away like that over nothing really and to be honest I'm in too deep in this and to just up and leave is too difficult at this point. This afternoon we tried talking things out, and I could barely bring myself to look at her. Most of the time the brim of my hat covered my eyes or I sat on the floor with my head down. Or I paced around her room with my head down. It was just an upsetting conversation from my point of view just because I put a lot out there, granted a little too late for it to be worth anything, but in the end it's off my head. But at what cost now? I walked home from Schneider today, it was long and quite agonizing because my ankle began to hurt and my big toe for some reason felt like it was cramping up. I called my two roommates to see if they could help me get some booze to help ease the pain of the day but to no avail, and I guess that was God's way of telling me that I'm not going to be able to drink this one out. I came back to an empty apartment around 5 pm and threw a classic Lu fit. Stepped in and whipped my baseball cap across the bedroom, threw my backpack to the ground, flipped my computer chair and slammed that to the ground and flopped into bed and cried myself into a 5 hour nap that I'm assuming began around 6. Everyone could tell something was wrong, but I wasn't ready nor willing to talk about it. So why put it in my blog so everyone in the WORLD can see? Because sometimes things are just easier to explain in writing than in conversation. It's why I write my blogs. It's why the title of this blog is now "Let's Blog It Out..." because sometimes it's what you gotta do to get over things. Ha! Get over things....I need help.
I'm sure things will soon get awkward and I will ride out into the sunset wishing this would have never happened. This is probably the end. I'll most likely lose out on two friends, not because I want to, but because my life (specifically my love life) is a vicious cycle. Remember what the Chinese fortune cookie said "Sometimes love shows a rerun." A rerun that I'm sick of watching.
And why does this all bother me so much? Because I've always been second best, I've never been good enough and to be in my mind so close to something that I thought was so perfect and to come up short is just so painful for me to live through. My biggest fear is to finish my life lonely and never having loved. Sometimes I feel it is my destiny. Sometimes I feel that it is my fate. And it's not like any evidence is out there proving me wrong.
And maybe I'm overreacting. Maybe tomorrow when I wake up things will be back to normal and this will have been one bad nightmare. But in reality it won't. It's gonna be there in the morning, actually, in the afternoon when I see her. I reckon it's not gonna be pretty.