Sunday, February 06, 2005

A Lonely Saturday Night in Carbondale

It would figure that with only 8 days left until Valentine's Day, that I would spend tonight alone while everyone else enjoyed their night at the Pit. Tonight typifies why I hate Valentine's Day with an undying passion rivaled only by my hatred for the ignorance of certain Cardinals, White Sox and Packers fans. Damn near everyone on the floor has been out either Thursday night, last night or is currently out tonight...except me. The floor is quiet, with people randomly walking down the halls, and only I have my door open and am currently doing my laundry. Right now, I'm listening to 50 Cent's remix of Justin Timberlake's 'Cry Me a River.' Awesome song, added to that is 50s rawness. I think I'm gonna try working on a Valentine's Day rap mix. It has to fit a certain mood that fits me. A little angry, a little raw, a little rugged ness and anger towards the day of St. Valentine's. Maybe I'll throw in a little bit of the soul of hip hop with Kanye West, Talib Kweli, Mos Def, with some Nas and Jay-Z. Maybe I need a new Slow Jams CD. I dunno what I'm gonna do. I really wanna go out and celebrate the single life by getting as crunked up as possible, but I truely am having second thoughts. I don't want that to be a common theme in my life, drinking due to anger. I look outside, its dark, and there are cops out there. The parking lot is half empty (or half full depending how you see it) and as lonely as I am in here, its better than being pulled over by a cop. I'm honestly weighing my "other" Valentine's Day options. I've got something at home, that I am pretty confident in which I can get if I wanted. Problem is that I want no part of it. Not like I don't want her as a friend, but I can't be with her like that. I've been in that situation. I've been the guy that the girl will just be a friend with, but won't dare take it to the next level. I don't mind, I guess, at the time I didn't. I kinda do know, because I feel unappreciated and I feel like I've been overlooked all my life. But ya gotta take your bumps before you win. See, the thing is I feel like I've taken more than bumps, I've taken a beating, from the blindside by several steroid using Major League baseball hitters with aluminum baseball bats. I hate beating up on myself, but that is how I truthfully feel about my situation. Pardon me, back to my situation. So, I got her at home, but I really don't want her. Then there's the girl down here that I go to school with. Don't get me wrong, the campus is full of dimes, silver dollars and certified 20s, but those girls seem very outta reach to me. There's someone that I'm head over heels for, and I've felt this way since the beginning of the year, but that damned personality trait (aka my shyness) kicks in. I don't feel like saying anything to her, because I don't wanna fuck up any friendship we have and therefore creating awkwardness between us. If everything was equal, I don't see things working out between us because I don't seem like her type, but honestly, I have yet to inquire about her type, so who knows? Well, I do. I know all. So maybe, I roll the dice. What's the worst that can happen? That's not a question you ask me with my smart ass attitude and the creativity that I have in my mind, I can paint the picture through writing on the worse thing that can happen to me on Valentine's Day. But that is a whole other blog for a whole other day. To continue my original thought however, when I think about her, I think about a poem I recently read. To summarize, the poem talks about a dog walker who lets their dog out to run free after a fresh snow. The dog spends a lot of time in the snow playing in it, but refuses to return. The owner just decides to let him go, cut ties with the dog. That's how I feel. I can see them happy elsewhere, so why postpone that for them and just let me cut my ties now. But that's like quitting, and if I damn Sammy Sosa for quitting, I should damn myself for even remotely thinking about quitting. Though I have basically quit on Valentine's day, but I'm not alone. So now, I have several Valentine's Day options. Option #1: Buckle to the pressure and get the girl at home. Option #2: In the words of Jay-Z I go out there and"Mike Jordan 'em," meaning make my last ditch, clutch, come from behind, and make the best move that I can out there for her. Nothing flashy necissarily, just get the job done. Option #3: A new option, go out to the pit and try to get some, at least for one night. Option #4: Go out to the Pit and get crunked up. Option #5: The most difficult option. That would be to go on with Valentine's Day like it was just another day. Calmly and smoothly without a care in the world. Yeah, like Cubs-Cardinals is just another game. Like Carolina-Duke is just another game. Like the Superbowl is just another game. We'll see what happens.

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