Final Post of the Year: Review, Thoughts, Previews and Things

Well folks long time no post and perfect timing its the end of the year. Its almost 2006 and now that 2005 is over I can take a look back at what went wrong, what went right and all the other stuff that went on this year from my eyes. But before I go there, I must say, New Years Eve ranks highly on the days of the year that I don't look forward to. I've always seen this day as a day that's overrated and wish that I could just sleep through because I don't see the hype behind it unless you're in New York at Time's Square or you are at Navy Pier in the Chi. It will be 6 years strong most likely without the ever elusive New Years Kiss. As we proceed...
JANUARY marked the return to Southern and some new things. No more roommate, I had a single room all to myself. I found myself refocused and rededicated and happy to be back. I partied it up while I could, but couldn't as much as my friends did last semester because after the house parties they were hitting up the bars, because in Carbondale all you have to be is 19 to get into the bars. Towards the end of January, I planned to make a positive move on Valentine's Day for once. Thinking that my past was behind me and the failures of V-Day's past would be unable to haunt me. However FEBRUARY came and the highlight of the month was the SIU confrence championship clinched on the home court against Witchita State. It was definetly the high-light of my college experience this year and last year. However, that was the only good to come out of this month. My Valentine's plan flopped due to my insecurities, my drunkeness, and in the end it was something that just wasn't meant to be. I've honestly dwelled upon it so much in this blog last year, if you really want to know what happened you can read posts from February til May of 2005. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, the whole single room thing didn't work. Low on funds, lack of a job and a bit of chance happening that my suitemate's roommate pissed him off to the point he wanted to leave, I offered my room to him,. H e moved his stuff in to my room and since then we've been roommates. MARCH came and went with a bit of fan fare, but nothing to write home about. SIU made it to the NCAA tourney again which was totally awesome and we even won our first round match up. But in what was essentially a road game in Oklahoma City, SIU came short despite a first half lead and a late run in the second half came short of an upset of the #2 seed Oklahoma State. In the end, the team taht I had predicted to win the WHOLE thing in the beginning of the college hoops season won the whole damn thing in April when the University of North Carolina beat the 37-1 University of Illinois 75-70 in a great match-up which caused some interesting things. It had a torn campus half cheering the state school, big brother U of I, home of former coach Bruce Webber who began the run of excellence at Southern Illinois but bolted for the big bucks and the noteriety that comes with coaching in the Big Ten. Part of the campus found themselves cheering against the Illini seeing that Bruce Weber did spurn the Salukis and imagined the potential that they could have if they had their coach all along. Also part of it was just a feeling of dislike for a school that wasn't ours. Some of us, like me had different reasons. Being a big UNC fan since my childhood because of players like Jordan, Vince Carter, Jerry Stackhouse, Rasheed Wallace and the new guys like Sean May, Raymond Felton, Marvin Williams and Rashad McCants, my love for that team is why I cheered. My roommate on the other hand roots ACC over everyone, even though he is a Duke fan. APRIL came with hope of a 2005 championship for my Cubs, especially after the Red Sox crushed their curse. I cut school for opening day, taking a 6 hour plus train ride from Carbondale at 3 am to Chicago arriving around 9 am to arrive at Wrigley with my sign proclaiming I cut school for opening day. I made it on TV and I even got interviewed for the Chicago Tribune. However, opening day should have been a sign of things to come. Lack of production at the top of the order. A short outing by starter Kerry Wood and a blown save by LaTroy Hawkins and a Cubs loss was a sign of things to come. MAY school ended and I missed my SIU peeps, a lot. I was home sick for Carbondale as strange as that sounds. I missed the parties, living on my own and my friends. I would get in contact with them this summer which turned out to be the highlight of the summer. Oh and I also got back to my roots and played on a softball team with my friends from high school. I'll never forget our first scrimmage type game. At Warren Park in the rain, we made a major bottom of the 9th comeback which I led off and actually scored 2 runs that inning. JUNE 2005 had two high lights, both revolved around the Cubs. On June 18th I witnessed Cubs/Red Sox and had one of the best times at a ball game I had in a while. Not only did the Cubs win, but it was a great back and forth game where the Cubs won 7-6 without a Derrek Lee hit or a home run from anyone in fact. Dempster gave up two runs in the 9th to make it interesting but the Cubs won and shook Wrigley. I interacted with my Boston bretheren and have made unofficial plans to return the favor and go to Boston when the Cubs go whenever they go. I have nothing but kind words for Red Sox fans because they are knowledgeable, good-hearted and respectful baseball fans. June ended with the Cubs taking two-of-three at US Cellular against what would be the eventual world Champion Chicago White Sox (still sounds weird). The highlights of that weekend: Aramis Ramirez grand-slam against Jose Contreras in game two of the series and Mark Prior's complete dominance of the Sox in game 3. And my favorite depressed Hawk quote of the year: "And the Cubs have come in to US Cellular and taken two of three from the team with the best record in baseball." JULY was the highlight of the summer and here's why. My birthday, July 1st was the best day of the year. I turned 19, making me able to go into the bars in Carbondale. Not only that I welcomed my three best friends at Southern: my roommate Kevin, Steve from directly across the hall who was actually the second roommate because he basically lived in our room and Kristin. We went to the taste of Chicago and had a blast, we saw fireworks at Docs house and after Kristin and Hoos went to their homes, Steve stayed a few days and we partied, we chilled, we shopped and just had a blast. This birthday in July will be potentially even BIGGER with more invitations and possibly a combo-party. AUGUST was the turn month. It was the time where I went through the toughest time and everything that could go wrong went wrong. I got into my car accident a week before I was supposed to leave for school, the car ended up being totalled. My father didn't pay his part of the tuition bill on time, so all of my classes were cancelled, leaving me to settle for whatever was left just to be able to go to the university. My best friend was also involved in a car accident in which she was left in a coma and I learned about that the night that I was leaving to go to school. Those events set me back and put me in a very depressed mood that didn't go away until late in the school year. SEPTEMBER what's there to say, school started, my guy John left to go to basic training in the National guard, I partied it up upon my return to SIU and I came lookin to shake the magic v-card. Let's just say I still have it. OCTOBER was another sucky month. It sucked cuz the Sox won the World Series and I didn't hear the end of it, being the #1 Cubs fan and spokesperson for people who are actually Cub fans, not the assclowns that fill wrigley field for the experience, to pick up a date, whatever excuse people use. NOVEMBER'S highlights occured in a two week period. November 15th marked the highly anticipated Kanye West concert with me and my roommate and we had an awesome time singing every song and it was the event of the year in my eyes, well the highlight of this semester. Then came Thanksgiving, marking an end to my homesickness and all that good stuff. DECEMBER came and it was roller coaster of a month. At the end of November, I had an epiphany and everything came together, but it was too late. I hooked up my roomie with his g/f who liked, but you know since nothing was gonna happen, I just finished the job for them, well at least on his side. It was an up and down month partially because of that, I didn't know how I should feel, I was still taking shit from people and my grades definetly had me down. But in the end, everything came together again and I'm ready for next semester, refocused and reloaded. Christmas came, I got everything I wanted: a digital camera, Madden 06, College Hoops 2k6, Battlefronts II, 40 year old virgin, R. Kelly's trapped in the closet DVD, brown sugar, the sandlot, stewie griffin movie, I also bought fever pitch and american pie band camp. I got some clothes, a D. Lee jersey, a couple of button ups and some other good stuff.
That's it folks. I can't go on anymore with this. There's so much other stuff that happened that didn't make this thing and I'm sorry if I left out anything or anyone. Last year I made a list of people that helped me through this year. But there are so many that this year I can't mention them all, they know who they are and they know they are appreciated. Tomorrow I"ll come wtih my predictions and reactions from New Year's and things like that. Oh and I'll come with the stuff that I forgot, like oh yeah, December, THAT'S A BEARS WINNER AND A NFC NORTH DIVISION TITLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! From that high, to the ultimate low of the failed internet girlfriend that my roommate hooked me up with that ended up killing their fake self off and yeah, that was the low point of the year BY FAR! Stay tuned folks, more is to come in 2006.

I Had To Do This

I've been breaking a lot of promises on this blog lately and for shame, but usually its either because something else comes up or some other bullshit reason. Well folks, i'm delaying all the good stuff I've been promising (again) to post my final blog from carbondale. Could be the final one from Carbondale ever depending on how my parents react to my grades. So I guess I'll use this as a reflection of this semester.
This semester had disaster written on it before school even started. The car accident and my friends accident threw me for a loop that I wasn't able to recover from. Mentally I was drained before the school year even started. On top of that, my already rocky relationship with my father became even more rocky when he decided to pay his part of the tuition late cancelling all of my classes that I needed. That through me through the worst of all loops when it came to school. It was a tough adjustment, I spent the first two months depressed and unhappy as if I wanted to go home EVERY SINGLE DAY! I was on the verge of dropping out before I came to my senses on how stupid of an idea it would be to just drop everything just because of a couple of bad months. Classes seemed to be getting more difficult and I just didn't react well. I was getting a C in all of my classes at midterms, since then, I've bombed everything except english, and if we had tests in that class, I'd end up bombing those too probably. On top of that my personal life wasn't shaping up too well, it was a reason I was unhappy. Then there was the phase that I didn't know what I wanted for myself. It's tough to figure out what you want when college does a major job screwing up your perception on teenage/young adult social issues. Women are the devil, that's a wonderful conclusion to come to. Every girl I like only likes me as a friend, it's like a black hole I'm in. And then there was my roommate in a wonderful relationship, my cousin on the verge of marriage potentially and me, little ole me single, lonely and on the verge of depression. It was a different semester, though I suffered through the classic stuff that I did last year, but on a higher level, it was weird. My roomie got dumped and it was kinda like it came outta no where and that set him back, but the difference between he and I is that well, I don't know. I guess he's smooth with the ladies (in a drunken stuper I did call him the White Pimp of Suburbia) so I guess I kinda created a monster in that case. But you know he doesn't treat the ladies with the respect I do, but in the end he gets her. Even though he was out of the running all year, he swooped out from the depths of depression to pick up the girl that I swear is damn near EVERYTHING I WANT! I joke that I wish she had a clone so I could date her clone. Sometimes, I wish I would have stayed out of everything, hell sometimes I wish I never came down here in the first place. Sometimes I wish I didn't have feelings for her. It's just another wonderful story of heartbreak that I have to tell. And now that she's with my roomie, there's no chance of it ever happening between us, as if there was a chance in the first place. Ahh, another one of my problems, me getting down on myself. I take a lot of shit for not having confidence. Setting off a great catch 22. How can you have confidence when you've failed at everything before? I know I've brought it up, but I can't but help doing so in this moment. And as the days go by I wonder what would have happened if I were to have made a stronger push, made my feelings more known. In the end, I have the feeling that everything would have happened that happened before that. The rejection, the 'let's just be friends' speech, the awkwardness, and in the end the loss of friendship. Oooh and somewhere there is the drifting, can't forget about the drifting! Seems all my friends are getting it I can count that six of my closest friends are ALL in relationships or are about to be in them. And once again, lil' ole me, on the sidelines still. Wanna know what third base feels like? Ha, motherfucker, I'm still waiting in line for tickets. Oh, and what would talking about this semester be without talking about the great internet relationship. Oh what more can I say, except this is why I have no trust, no faith and no confidence because in the end, it ends up falling apart like the Cubs in September! It's like tradition or something. From the beginning I knew it was too good to be true, it had to be, why because it was me. Beyond the fact that it was an internet relationship in which no one knew the girl. Beyond the fact that we were seperated by 2 states. Beyond the fact that we had never met each other face to face let alone talk on the phone. But somewhere I had faith that this could be something, anything!!!! In the end, it was one elaborate hoax. One in which the girl faked her death and invented lives of her friends and lied about her identity. And I'm the one who is crazy? Just my luck. And what do I do, I put it through his head that the girl he's currently in a relationship with likes him, and while he was off pondering which thoughtless whore he was gonna nail at home or down here or wherever, I was the one that convinced him to ask her out. I was the one who put MY DAMN FEELINGS to the side and took one for the team. And what do I get out of it? Nothing, except the constant reminder that I'm a loser and a failure. Oh, and don't forget the constant reminder that the girl I've wanted since the first day I met her (i know that's how they all felt) is with my f'n roommate. And sure, all the other guys liked her, the difference is that they've had experience, they're looking for that extra umph in that relationship (you know what i'm talking about.) Me, in a perfect world, a relationship that doesn't revolve around sex would be marvelous to me. However, we don't live in perfect, I live in Chicago and during the school year I hold residence in Carbondale and these two places are FAR from perfect. However, next semester is a new semester and I will come back well rested, reloaded and refocused, the way I would/should have come down to this place from the beginning.
As a final note, I let my mind take a trip to last year to a girl I had a crush on, Ms. Calla. Ms. Calla will be leaving SIU after this semester to take some time off from school. We lost touch after she moved across campus to Thompson Point. And as sappy as this sounds, she'll always hold a special part in my heart. We had some great times together (minus the whole drunken confessions of love events) and I'll never forget them. I'll miss the times we went out drinking, i'll miss the times we ate Jimmy Johns, I'll miss the poetry sessions we had. Those were good days last year. I'll even miss talking about the Braves. I'll never forget the one game where she was outnumbered by at least 6 cubs fans in my room the Cubs choked away the playoffs against the Braves in 2004. And I'll remember the shrieking cheer from the sole Braves fan there. That was Calla, and those were my memories from semester one 2005.

The Little Things Part One

To summarize what will be a complete post by tomorrow, here's a little outline of what's coming later today in The Little Things Part Two:

• Saw The 40 Year Old Virgin, you'll get my thoughts and how the 19 year old virgin reacted to what could happen 21 years down the line.
• You'll get Another One Bites The Dust, a finals recap of three of the four finals that I have already taken
• I finally figured out what I wanted to say in that blog that I wrote while I was drunk
• The immortilization of the 1993 Atlanta Braves who under my leadership in Ken Griffey Jr. Presents Major League Baseball have just won the World Series. They just clinched game 4 in Baltimore by the score of 18-0 behind 33 hits and a complete game shut out by Greg Maddux. A 9 run second was very anti-climatic when it came to the game. Actually the whole series in fact the whole year was anti-climatic, c'mon I won 138 games! Only one game was close in this series and that was game 2 which was won on a 10th inning walk-off pinch hit home-run by the much maligned Damon Berryhill who was benched in May and his replacement was benched in June and did quite well for me. Berryhill went on to have big games in the two games in which he was the DH in the American league park. He went 8-12 with 4 RBIs with 1 HR. You know, had he played like that from the beginning, I would have never had the year I had because he was in a run producing spot. It all worked out better for the team in the long run. I will post this teams stats and record tomorrow or at least before I leave for the Chi.
• Poetry will be coming VERY soon I promise because I recently found my notebook, wonderful.
• That's it for now, I'll holla later.

Random Crap

Earlier I had thoughts, and now I have nothing except a random freestyle from earlier. One down 3 to go when it comes to finals and yeah I'm in major major trouble when it comes to school. I know this semester was a bad flash in the pan and will NEVER EVER happen again.

they call me game time because how i play with words they call me birdman the way i flip them birds word play is my game other rappers is lame like a tiger with no dick they tame i'm straight outta the inferno my rhymes is flame i get more dome than them weak niggas at notre dame its a damn shame the way i be droppin these names but keep ya head low cuz u know u ashamed

no need for plastic silverware i use stainless steel might cost a little more but it heightens my appeal i wheel and deal looking for the right combination of words its ubsurd u must believe i have the best chemistry u heard

i love my random freestyle writings.....more to come tomorrow

Random Post

I thought this was the coolest thing I've read in a long time I think it was cool. So folks raise your glasses in a toast to the guys who do the most and get the least...courtesy of a Xuqa blog!


Tribute to Nice guys
anonymously posted @ 4:02 PM on December 11

This is a tribute to the nice guys like me. The nice guys that finish last, that never become more than friends, that endure hours of whining and bitching about what assholes guys are, while disproving the very point. This is dedicated to those guys who always provide a shoulder to lean on but restrain themselves to tentative hugs, those guys who hold open doors and give reassuring pats on the back and sit patiently outside the changing room at department stores. This is in honor of the guys that obligingly reiterate how cute/beautiful/smart/funny/sexy their female friends are at the appropriate moment, because they know most girls need that litany of support. This is in honor of the guys with open minds, with laid-back attitudes, with honest concern. This is in honor of the guys who respect a girl’s every facet, from her privacy to her theology to her clothing style.
This is for the guys who escort their drunk, bewildered female friends back from parties and never take advantage once they’re at her door, for the guys who know a girl is fishing for compliments but give them out anyway, for the guys who always play by the rules in a game where the rules favor cheaters, for the guys who are accredited as boyfriend material but somehow don’t end up being boyfriends, for all the nice guys who are overlooked, underestimated, and unappreciated, for all the nice guys who are manipulated, misled, and unjustly abandoned.
This is for that time she left 40 urgent messages on your cell phone, and when you called her back, she spent three hours painstakingly dissecting two sentences her boyfriend said to her over dinner. And even though you thought her boyfriend was a chump and a jerk, you assured her that it was all ok and she shouldn’t worry about it. This is for that time she interrupted the best killing spree you’d ever orchestrated in GTA3 to rant about a rumor that romantically linked her and the guy she thinks is the most repulsive person in the world. And even though you thought it was immature and you had nothing against the guy, you paused the game for two hours and helped her concoct a counter-rumor to spread around the floor. This is also for that time she didn’t have a date, so after numerous vows that there was nothing “serious” between the two of you, she dragged you to a party where you knew nobody, the beer was awful, and she flirted shamelessly with you, justifying each fit of reckless teasing by announcing to everyone: “oh, but we’re just friends!” And even though you were invited purely as a symbolic warm body for her ego, you went anyways. Because you’re nice like that.
The nice guys don’t often get credit where credit is due. And perhaps more disturbing, the nice guys don’t seem to get laid as often as they should. And I wish I could logically explain this trend, but I can’t. From what I have observed on campus and what I have learned from talking to friends at other schools and in the workplace, the only conclusion I can form is that many girls are just illogical, manipulative bitches. Many of them claim they just want to date a nice guy, but when presented with such a specimen, they say irrational, confusing things such as “oh, he’s too nice to date” or “he would be a good boyfriend but he’s not for me” or “he already puts up with so much from me, I couldn’t possibly ask him out!” or the most frustrating of all: “no, it would ruin our friendship.” Yet, they continue to lament the lack of datable men in the world, and they expect their too-nice-to-date male friends to sympathize and apologize for the men that are jerks. Sorry, guys, girls like that are beyond my ability to fathom. I can’t figure out why the connection breaks down between what they say (I want a nice guy!) and what they do (I’m going to sleep with this complete ass now!). But one thing I can do, is say that the nice-guy-finishes-last phenomenon doesn’t last forever. There are definitely many girls who grow out of that train of thought and realize they should be dating the nice guys, not taking them for granted. The tricky part is finding those girls, and even trickier, finding the ones that are single.
So, until those girls are found, I propose a toast to all the nice guys. You know who you are, and I know you’re sick of hearing yourself described as ubiquitously nice. But the truth of the matter is, the world needs your patience in the department store, your holding open of doors, your party escorting services, your propensity to be a sucker for a pretty smile. For all the crazy, inane, absurd things you tolerate, for all the situations where you are the faceless, nameless hero, my accolades, my acknowledgement, and my gratitude go out to you. You do have credibility in this society, and your well deserved vindication is coming.

Now that folks, was classic!

Meaning Morning Thoughts and Other Things

Well, I stood strong last night with my decision not to go out drinking. I took the money I would have used to drink and I put it towards better things, like my gift for the Christmas party, the ingredients I need for the cheesecake I'm making for the Christmas party. I also bought some pop and some cookies as my finals week comfort food. Came back from Wal-Mart and realized most of my vodka was gone, so I sipped slow on what was left, and there still is a little left. I also took a walk to go get some food, get some fresh air and maybe clear my cluttered mind. That failed. I have recently been having dreams about my cars. First I had a dream about Putt Putt, my 1992 Ford Escort which I traded in for Sexy Purple Besty (recently renamed Lumi) my 1997 Chevy Lumina. I dreamed (in seperate dreams) that I somehow got them back. I miss my cars, I'd even settle for Putt Putt while I'm home for Christmas break. I'll be looking for something cheap and affordable when I go home since Jenny is being absolutely uncompromising when it comes to the Cadillac. Well, back to the unfullfilling walk in Carbondale. Well, what else is there to talk about, it was cold lonely and boring, granted I had Pods (my I-Pod) with me, it wasn't the same. Whenever I used to have things on my mind, I used to hop in my car and take a drive, whether it was the Escort or the Lumina, both had their things that cleared my mind. When I was in the Escort, I cruised the northside of the city, driving through some old stomping grounds like Lakeview and Wrigleyville and I drove around Lane. Doesn't seem like much, but I'd be driving and listening to the Score or some other radio station. Then when I had the Lumina, I upgraded to drives on Lake Shore Drive with my windows down and the radio cranked and me singing at the top of my lungs. I could have used one of those drives last night. I probably would have ended up in St. Louis, or maybe even in Champaign. Or I probably would've ended up by Crab Orchard Lake, maybe Fred's, I don't know. It would have been interesting, yet dangerous with the snow, slush and ice on the ground combined with the drunks out Saturday night. Maybe it was better that I didn't have a car to drive. I digress and return to the rest of the night. We watched some of Duke's of Hazzard and yeah Jessica Simpson's hot! That accent she has in the movie, she should keep it. However, she was hotter when she was more thick when she had the curves. That was a woman, granted she's still a woman now, but curves on a woman are hot! I'm still convinced the only people who like toothpicks are cheap motherfuckers who would skimp on the food budget. (just a joke ha ha!) I felt left out though cuz everyone else was drinking, so I decided to create a drink for me. In shot form it was a multi-alcohol shot consisting of vodka, amirito, rum and mad dog (some type of alcohol) with a splash of lemonade. I had about 6 of those, not a good idea, it'll get you buzzed really quickly, I think its the combination of alcohol that will get you to that point. So I felt better when folks were in here talking about experiences with the opposite sex as I sat idly on the sidelines listening intently to these stories because well, I had no stories so I just kept my pretty little mouth shut. So, I'm trying to piece together that part of the night. Oh yeah, there was a lot of love going my way, that's the thing I love about drunks, first of all they know me, I ran into four guys on my walk that I kinda knew or remembered which was cool that people remember me. Secondly, I'm loved by all when people are drunks, I get more "I love you's" when people are drunk than when they are sober. I guess that's bad, but hey, at least I was feelin some love right. It's funny how that goes. I gave my guy AL a nice little sob story about being single, but he kept my head up, gotta love them Chi-town boys we stick together, we really do. So as the night wore on, the couple as I am now affectionately calling them were acting couply and signs pointed more and more that she was staying in here tonight. Which kinda upset me beause I had the conversation with my roommate last night that it would make me uncomfortable, especially when she has a single room, but maybe they needed a change of scenery. All I know is that it was too reminiscent of what happened between me and my roommate (different roommate) last year when there was a girl in here every night all night and all morning when he could have easily gone to her room because her roommate was damn near living with her boyfriend. But I'm not gonna flip about this because this is only the first time, hopefully I won't be looking for weekend residence often next semester. Coulda been worse, he could still be with Becca and with her going to Edwardsville next semester and coming to see him every weekend, I would have needed to find somewhere to live every weekend. I dunno, this one hits close to home because well, my stupid feelings and my stupid mouth. I digress, so anyways....But I conceeded and made the great decision to leave the love birds alone in my room and I went to go find a home in the hub lounge like I did a lot last year. It was like having a flash back or something, it wasn't kind, but I ended up in this girls room down the hall, because she was still awake watching a movie and she has a single room so I figured the least I could do is ask if I could stay on her futon. I did, and granted the futon isn't the most comfortable thing in the world, its better than the embarassment I feel when I have to sleeping the hub lounge. I know what goes down in that place and yeah, who could forget the couple who fucked in the hub lounge last year. I just hope its been cleaned since then. I woke up this morning, no hangover (didn't have that much to drink, but I had a good amount for the little amount of time I was drinking) and as I told my guy Steve "It felt good to wake up in the room with a pretty girl and know whats going on." As a refrence from last year when I woke up in Schneider. Good times!!!!! Well, um, I think that's it for now, I had more thoughts last night that I might get at in my pre-finals post. Have a good day folks I'll hit it up later!

I didn't go out...

I REPEAT: I DID NOT GO OUT! GO ME!!! Fuck you peer pressure you can kiss my ass!!! Wal-Mart run details to come if necessary!

Dawgs Dodge Bullet and other things

So, the Salukis won extending their home winning streak to 26 consecutive games. Amazing because there was a point where the dawgs were down by 5 and yeah, I was scared. I nervously eyed the scoreboard and the clock and hoping for a miracle. Down 2 Wesley Clemmons hit a 3 that put the Dawgs up by 1 47-46 and that was the beginning of the end. SIU took over in the final 6 minutes, but it was close, too close. An offense that I described as high-octane in the beginning of the year now looks sluggish and seems to be struggling to put quality possessions together. These ain't the same 4-time defending MVC Champion Salukis. Senior leadership is clearly lacking in this team and I'm hoping that Jamaal Tatum at some point steps his game up and plays to his potential as he did earlier and last year. The defense however isn't lacking the defense is as strong as ever, but still the offense is lacking identity without Brooks and Hairston. Hopefully the team straightens out and flys right.
I'm thinking about going out and have four minutes to make a decision. There's a part of me that wants to go out and have a good time and get drunk. But the other side of me says why go out because you're gonna go out get drunk come back pissed and depressed and still single. So why waste, right? Yeah, I don't have any single friends to go out with any more that aren't attatched to a computer game right now so I'm attatching myself to my computer right now. I might have a drink of a lil' somethin somethin in the fridge.
We'll see what happens, I now have 2 minutes to make a decision...i'll holla!

A few hours earlier

I was motivated to write a blog. But now as the night winds down and i drink some more and I reflect and I get pissed and all that shit that comes with the combination of jealousy, finals week, depression, alcohol, stress, sexual frustration and all that good stuff....and i don't know where i was going with that. I had stuff that i said i'd write here that i don't remember i'll figure it out later because I don't care. I know it involved poetry and things of that nature and some other bullshit i'm going thru. Well I guess i can give you what little is on my mind right now. Let's see, looks like everyones falling in love. I fell in love, but yeah, we know how that works for me. Don't bring that juice to a gin party. REJECTION! I took that line from Stuart Scott. Anyways, yeah I'm single and miserable again, well not really again, but its more focused now as everyone settles. I'm sick of spending holiday season alone. I'm sick of thanksgiving everyone asking where's your girlfriend. I'm sick of cold nights alone and waking up every morning knowing that there's no one who cares for me. My love life is effectively over before it even got started. It's a shame, I have so much potential. I'm a generally decent guy who would love to spoil a girlfriend if he ever had one. Show her off like she's the greatest thing in the world. But I guess that's asking too much. Ooh I had a great conversation with my roommate's girlfriend tonight. I don't konw what everyone's deal was tonight but everyone was trying to get me to go out as if they were trying to get rid of me or something. I dunno sounds whack to me, especially when people are just throwing out scenarios for me to go out. I guess my friends are concerned, and I guess I appreciate it, but they're not doing a great job of making me feel better, which granted isn't their job but you know I wonder about the alterior motives of people sometimes and what they really want. I dunno maybe its me being paranoid again.
Here's something I've been itching to get at and hopefully someone can give me an answer or something. So a friend and I were talking about hooking people up, and my friend was telling me about how high school it was to have to "hook people" up. And I thought about it and I was like intersting because you know some people need help. Some people need a third party to get it done. You know, I never got hooked up with anyone in high school. Even my friends who had girlfriends who had single girlfriends still couldn't manage to hook me up. And this is why I'm in the situation I'm in now because everyone got theirs in high school and stuff and if things fall apart now, they can always go back to that one back in high school. See my thing is that, well now that I don't remember where this was going, I'm lost. Oh yeah, how high school-ish it is when people have to hook people up. Well, lets see, I felt bad when that was said because you know I failed at getting a girlfriend in highschool and have failed so far in college to get one so the only way to get it is maybe get help from a friend. Wow, this argument sounded so much better in my head. GRRR!!! Maybe i'll be able to clear it up tomorrow.
So I'm reading the conversation that me and my roomie's girlfriend had online tonite about me going out and stuff and wow, I'm aggrivated, whats even more interesting is that I aggraveted her, she went off on my ass. But you know what, I'm sick of the cheap shots. I'm sick of them, I try I fail and they give me shit because I don't have confidence. Well folks welcome to catch 22 where I ask the question How can you have confidence when you've failed your whole life? I don't know its not worth it any more. This is all bullshit, fuck it! I'm done

I don't deserve a blog tonight

I was really considering not blogging tonight, just because I was lazy, I still haven't got the poetry up from last week and I'm tired. But I couldn't resist. I'll start off with the fact that one week from tonight, I'll be back in the Chi for a month. I can't wait...kinda. I need a break from school and all the crap that comes with school. Next, well, today we got snow in Carbondale which brought these thoughts. When the hell did Carbondale become a winter wonderland? And my opening thought when I woke up this morning was oh it's white outside. Walking to class totally sucked because not only was it bitterly cold, it was also slushy and snowy, and u know us minorities we hate the cold. On top of that, the city sucks when it comes to plowing and salting and all that good shit. There are enough Chicago transplants to know how streets and sanitation should be run when the first snow hits. This just proves that nothing should be left up to the hicks that run the southern part of this state. Got back from class and relaxed and played video games. I have to immortalize the Braves team in Ken Griffey Jr. Baseball because they are the best team of all-time. But I'm too tired to do so, so I'll just tell you they won more than 130 games, only lost 24 and I had a .400 hitter. Oh yeah and two 30 game winners. One word: dominance. But yeah, so much happened tonight, that I guess I'll leave people with the following cliff hanger: I hope I fully enjoyed the singing of my own praises for the last week-plus because it might not happen for a while. I'll holla to my readers at a later time and date. Lord willing and the creek don't rise.

21 Minutes of Things

Well folks, long time no write, I've felt empty the last few days not writing to the blog. But really, its as if who really reads this? Really, I wanna know, just out of curiosity. You know people bash blogs all the time but its good that I have one. Without a blog, I'd probably be more miserable than I am now because I wouldn't be able to release the stress, the anger and all of that pent up crap that is inside of me that eats at me inside that drives me absolutely insane. So, I'm glad I get to vent here at blogger. Isn't that what the internet is for anyways. Its for people to share thoughts, views, ideas, beliefs, rumors, innuendo and bullshit. Its a place where you can truely hide yourself and be someone that you wish you could be instead of yourself. The internet is full of lies and deceit. And me, myself, I'm looking for the truth wherever I can find it.
So I spent some time, just randomly and aimlessly looking outside of the window, and for the first time in a while, I see a car driving. It is bitterly cold and quiet in Carbondale. If I was in a more poetic mood, I'd either stand in the end lounge or even if the weather was a little more bearable, I'd stand out there with a pen and a pad and just write one of the more indescribeable feelings that I'm having here. The weather and the scenery outside perfectly fit how I'm feeling, in fact, it's quite fitting. It's quiet, somber, and the one car at the end of the parking lot is very symbolic if you think about it. See this is what happens when you are left alone and you finish your geology lab report after its half assed listening to classic boyz II men shit. You are left here contemplating things that really have no relevance when it comes to anything.
So, I spent hours playing MASH today. You know, you remember M-A-S-H (Mansion, Apartment, Shack, House) where you give 5 of the following: member of the opposite sex, car, color, location, kids you want to have and job. Then you pick your favorite number and let the magic begin as your list gets crossed out left and right until you are left with your answers. I used to love and hate this game as a child. I hated when the results came back and I ended up with the least attractive girl, in a pink pinto, in antartica, with 20-some-odd kids living in a shack and working as a janitor. It was rare that I ended up with anything I wanted, sometimes I wondered if the game was fixed against me. As I look back at the luck I've had since those days in grammar school, I don't know where I can go wrong in believing I was set up. In the end though, it's a fun game. I always got nervous when it came to pick the girls, I usually saved that for last because I actually put thought into it. I dunno how you folks played but you picked 4 of the 5 choices and your friend who's doing MASH with you sets you up with the worst possibilites possible in mash.
10 Minutes before the SIU Computers sign me off of the system
So I had a thought that really set me back and made me feel like a total loser. In a conversation with a friend, we were talking about what I did a week ago with my roommate and what is now his girlfriend. My friend made a comment in which they said something to the extent that it was kinda sad that people still approached relationships as if they were still in high school looking for a hook up. I was taken aback by that because I felt it was a shot at me. Now, everyone will tell you, all of my friends and associates and maybe even my family will tell you that I am a very defensive person. Really, you can't blame me because I've taken a lot of shots, and of course I'm always ready to shoot back. Now granted, I don't have much ammo, especially when it comes to the game of love, but you might as well shoot with what you got right? So anyways, I thought about the statement and it hurt a bit. I've never been good with words when it comes to women, unless it was in a poem, then I can roll with it. I've never been the most attractive person, however, I don't know if I'm cursed by being the nice guy or being the "handsome young man." I don't know which is the one I fall under, its possible that I fall under both. I don't do anything particularly well, I'm not made of money, I'm not materialistic and I'm not a cassanova, a P.I.M.P. or anything like that. I'm just lil' old me. So I took that comment and kept thinking about my past (the same past that haunts me damn near everyday that I'm single) and I remember that no one ever hooked me up in high school because I spent a lot of time getting rejected. Grammar school, same thing. College, well college has been different because of well, it's college. College skews your visions, beliefs and ideas when it comes to relationships, sex, virginity and all that good stuff. Prom night is supposed to be the night and you're supposed to go into freshman year with the experience you need to handle the situation of the one night stand. Yeah that failed miserably. Hey lets go back even further to grammar school (inspired thought after watching Boy Meets World) when people played spin the bottle and 7 minutes in heaven and that was supposed to break you into the dating game and the kissing game and all that other good stuff. I was never invited to that kind of party. So, if I'm a bit immature when it comes to a relationship or approaching women and all that good stuff, I point to my past as exhibit A for my evidence. Not as an excuse, but as evidence on how my past has most likely scarred my future. So yeah to sum that up, sure the way I'm going at things may be high school or grammar school like, but when you miss out on all of that stuff you were supposed to get at back in the day, you can't feel but left behind.
1 MINUTE TIME FOR THE BIG FINISH
The Cubs traded for Juan Pierre, by doing so got rid of 2 top 10 prospects. No one's untouchable when you haven't won a World Series in 97 years. New Year's Eve, I'd rather be home alone with my cell phone off, the house phone unplugged and all modes of communication closed to me. Valentine's Day falls on a Tuesday this year and I'm already preparing Anti-Valentine's Mix of songs and I'm also looking forward to getting extremely wasted on Valentine's day, I'm glad I don't have any classes until 11 pm next semester. I'm hoping my roommate passes all of his classes this semester with a 2.0 or higher because I want him back next semester. If all else fails, I'll most likely invite Steve to live with me. Granted, Cubs/Cardinals games all of a sudden get real interesting with me being outnumbered Sox/Cards fans to Cubs fans in this hall a lot to a little, Steve's my guy nonetheless. Loneliness is all mental, or is it depression is all mental, I don't remember, this was from a conversastion that took place last week, wow I have memory issues. My roommate called me a manic depressive because of what some teacher described the symptoms to be. Does that teacher know me? Does that teacher know what I've been through? Until I find the definition of "manic depressive" both them assholes can kiss my manic depressive ass!!!
OVERTIME
Random Question of the Night: Since Girls Gone Wild came out, how many knock offs have there been? Do they get royalties for being the first of its kind? Is there room for one more so I can get my loot and split.
Final Thought: Next week, my roommate and our friend Marcus have planned to take me out to the bars to find me a girlfriend. I never knew it was that easy...but folks it won't be. Their plan to boost my confidence will be to flat out embarass me. Now, I've been embarassed enough throughout the years in front of girls. Now Marcus says it worked for him. However, this seems like this will either make me or just break my soul. It might be the pessimist inside me but I'm gonna be betting on the latter. My roommate on the other hand gave me the story about howhe was the nice guy and #5 on the food chain when it came to his guys. He told me how he got these girls to make the transition from just friends to the next level. I throw the caution flier to myself that granted he comes off as a middle class kid, he's on a higher level for the simple facts that he is from the suburbs (cost of living is lower, that's why they are richer, they might make the same money as us city people, but their cost of living is lower) and let me see, he got hook ups from his friends and did I mention he has a car. I know the car thing didn't work out for me well, but I contend that I didn't have enough time to work that out. Me, I never got a hook up from anyone, its one of the reasons I'm in the situation that I am currently in now. I hseriously have my doubts about this. Only time will tell how things go. I just might spend the rest of my life miserable and single...and people in relationships, don't be jealous, remember you guys are the ones teasing me.
That's it for tonight folks, good night/good morning and have a pleasant tomorrow/later today!

I Don't Have A Title

Usually I come with witty fun and intruiging titles to these blogs, tonight I say nothing. This week has been hell, this weekend has been upside down and yeah, I've been on a very good high the last few days but today yeah, um I experienced the ULTIMATE buzzkill. Let's recap. Friday, I'm trying to think about Friday, oh yeah there was no Christmas party, that was a kind of yeah that sucked. Though I made the cheesecake and I had me some rave reviews. I had a lot of complements, granted I only had one piece, but yeah, I shared the wealth and yeah everyone loved it, in fact, I made two more today for my guy marcus who himself ate 1/4 of the cheesecake. Him and my roommate damn near ate half of the cheesecake and that was pretty interesting. I spent my night alone again and I weent to bed telling myself that I wasn't going out all weekend and I was gonna spend my weekend playing video games. My roommate and I had a talk Saturday as we listened to our Saluki football team lose their 2nd round playoff game 38-24. He basically convinced me to go out. AND I AM GLAD THAT HE DID BECAUSE I HAD AN AWESOME NIGHT! Never in my life would I have believed I would have that much fun at a country western bar in my entire life. I was scared, I thought I would be beaten up, dragged to the woods and then hung by a bunch of crackers. However, I wasn't, the first song they played while we were there was Don't Cha by the Pussy Cat Dolls. Turns out not only does this band cover country songs, they do popular songs too. So that was great cuz I danced with Kristin. Oh, let me set the scene it was Me, my roommate, his girlfriend, two of her friends, and steve. So yeah, I had a great time. The first song they played was Don't Cha. The second song they played was my favorite country song: How I'm Doin by Dierks Bentley. I sang that song at the toop of my lungs like it ws no one's business. The second song they played was I Got Friends In Low Places by Garth Brooks. I love that song and we sang that in a group circle and yeah it was fun. Throughout the night I was singing and dancing and in fact there were a couple of occasions in which I was part of a Lu sandwich between two girls. Throught the night also me and the guys well I guess it was only me hoos and steve. We talked about all of the scenery, because of my absolute love for country girls. There were points in the night where I couldn't even look at the dance floor because of all of the girls, I imagined all of the things they could tell me with that hot southern drawl that I'd jump through hoops for. Lets see, um yeah, there was a lot of hot country ass, even some "honky tonk badonkadonks" as the country folk would say because yeah they stole it from the community so yeah whatever. So yeah, I've always dreamt of a southern belle that I could take care of and love and all that good stuff, its just one of those things I want. But as the days go on and as I meet some of these "country girls" I realize that I have no shot at them because I am not anything that they want which really sucks because yeah I'm a really decent guy who treats girls with respect and all and would treat my girlfriend as a queen, but I've never had a chance. It's not my fault, I feel that I've been punished because of my past. That damn past haunts me like a god damned ghost. I wish I could just get one chance. I think I should just resign myself to the fact that I will always be single as long as this is going on. So yeah, also tonight I had a girl tell me that no one loved her and that she was so lonely. Ya know, it drives me absolutely insane because yeah lets take a look at my track record. I've been able to hook up all of my friends with decent girls but never myself because of a myriad of reasons ranging from just friends to lack of sexual experience. The girl I like is currently dating my roommate, and thats partially of my own doing because I put my own feelings to the side and took one for the team. Sometimes I regret that decision, like now. I just wish I could crawl into my hobbit hole and hide away. Last night I left an away message that said "its nights like last night that make me believe that my time will come soon." And now, I laugh at myself, realize how full of shit I am and doubt it more and more that I will ever get out of this rut I currently find myself in. It's like everything that can go wrong has gone wrong and will continue to go wrong. My silver lining the other day was the Furcal signing that was about to happen. Now, Furcal, a Dodger because he's a little BITCH!!!!!!!! Fuck him and those dodger fucks. Fuck LaSorda, Gibson, The Delino DeShields-for-Pedro trade, Gagne, Dodger fandom all those LA FUCKS!!!!!! Fuck Furcal for being a bitch!!!! But yeah, so what do I do, I drink away my problems because yeah, I was pretty drinky and am pretty drinky!

Random Post Finishes My Night

Oh wait...there's more. This, I had to write about because I love websites like Xuqa, Facebook and My Space. I was reading a Xuqa blog that said nice girls finish last and listed off things that "nice girls" would like and how nice girls are overlooked. And ain't that the pot calling the kettle black! Fuck that shit, see this is why I'm depressed because all I ever wanted was someone to call my own, someone I can hang out with, share a moment with, bring around my friends and family without having to worry about her being an idiot or acting like a total hoesbag. I'd love to find that girl, it drives me INSANE that I can't find her, it really does. Everyone else is finding people, shit I'm sounding like Dusty "Why Not Us?" Well, I'll tell you why not us, because it is US. C'mon, it's me, if I get a good streak of things happening, it won't last long because it's me and everything will come back crashing back down to earth, its the way things work. This was the blog.

• To every girl -that is herself no matter what and believes and tries to achieve her dreams-that dresses cute not skanky-who wants to be called beautiful and treated like a princess just once-that will spend her whole day looking for the perfect present-who gets her heart broken because he chose the whore instead and is scared to put her heart out there again-who is nice to everyone no matter what-that wont settle for the jerk-that cries at night because of another heartbreak-that wont get down on her knees and open her mouth just to get a boyfriend-that just wants to hold hands-who whishes he cared-who wastes her day waiting by the phone waiting for him to call-that just wants to cuddle/sleep (no sex) w/ him-who shows how much she cares and gets nothing back-who is just looking for that one and only and has had no luck

Oh, I want to sleep but I'm too bored and lonely unfortunately, I have a feeling I might be spending A LOT more years like this.

Week Review Weekend Preview

In what has been an eventful yet stressful week, it winds down, however it leads to two potentially even MORE stressful weeks of life in Carbondale. As this week has wound down, I've began to figure out what has been goin on with me, as if I was figuring myself out. Its as if my days are good and my nights are bad, and thats why I have so crappy blogs at night. I feel as if I blog after my classes, you might get a depressing tale of boring classes, but an overall upbeat mood from me. However, I blog at night, when I'm alone and its quiet then yeah, it kind of makes sense. So, the cheesecake was a success, I'm happy about that, it got approval from everyone, more girls shoulda had some, cuz I guess girls like guys who can cook, and yeah, I like cooking, its pretty fun. Tomorrow should be interesting with the SIU playoff game at 1:30, I'm gonna have to go to the bars to watch it cuz we don't get it on TV around here. Tomorrow night, I'm not quite sure what I want to do, I might go to the country bar. However I have my doubts: city boy, outsider, minority in the country....yeah combine that with the possiblity of being the third wheel and I don't know which would be the worst of my fears. And there's a six dollar cover which is more than any house party, and they're not giving me free beer....and i'm stuck with a bunch of hicks. Personally, I'm scared, but there might be a girl involved, but this is me we're talking about. So yeah, I dunno if I mentioned this earlier, but the single life sucks, especially when everyone around you either has it or has had their fair share of it. And if you don't know what it is, then you are on a level that makes me look good....does everything have to remind me of this. I just switched the TV from elimidate to a random commericial and they are showing off soul70s classic CDs and the song of course is Al Green's 'So Tired of Being Alone.' I'm englufed in a pit of love, this is almost as bad as I feel around Valentine's Day. Oh my gosh I just thought about it, Valentine's Day, oh my gosh I don't wanna be anywhere around this place for Valentine's Day. I'm scared now, I really am. Knowing my roommates history, I'm gonna probably kill myself over Valentine's Day. I might be overreacting cuz i'm so stressed and tired, but yeah, its over. Oh and this was possibly the lamest Elimidate ever. During the final round the guy had a question and answer session with the following questions: If you were president bush, how would you end the war in Iraq? Should teachers be paid on performance or by tenure? How do we avoid scandals like Enron? It was so lame during the answers the cameras focused on the girls bodies, as if their answers didn't even matter. Awww, these lonely nights might be the end of me one day. Hopefully, today's not that day. Good night til later!

Todays Things

I'll try to make this as quick and painless as possible. I was up til 6 am because my roomies girlfriend's best friend stayed over last nite and we watched american pie 2 and we passed out in the beginning of american wedding. I missed my 1st two classes sleeping inn like she. ooh found out we both have the same math class so we'll be going to our test together and i'm thinking about going with her, my roommate and alicia to the country bar, I'm having thoughts. But for sure we should be going out tuesday and yeah before you start thinking anything is gonna happen don't expect it she just got out of a relationship. Well let's see highlights of the night are as follows since I don't feel like typing it, i'm cutting and pasting from a convo i had wit my guy from u of i
SIULou7186: ok so we was chillin in my room and this guy from upstairs rob said that we should go out and we hit up a house party; we get there and a water main breaks in the house, and then theres a fight, my guy gets a sudden nose bleed and leaves, me and the girl have drinks then leave cuz we think he left us....he goes to attempt to break up the fightCrazzyA29: damn.....SIULou7186: wait there's more cuz on our way back some guy wanted to walk behind me and the girl and then he up and disappeared and then reappeared running across the field then this guy says he had a bad night because he found a dinosaur and then she came up and then we walked her home, and then the dude was trying to be fresh wit her and i stopped him, but then he bit me and i got this nice coat and then i started hitting him in the head and then we almost got in a fightSIULou7186: so im here alone but she's gonna come pick me up for class tomorrow
There's more to it like my friend getting a bloody nose outta nowhere and then trying to break up a fight because country people can't mind their own damn business. And yes he bit me in the arm.

It's not the poetry that I promised but here are some random freestyles from tonite.


SIULou7186: tight rhymes from my boy young billy after a shot of amaretta i be rhymin so silly i'm doin things big style like my man slick willy two shots later im hittin on that the hottie jilly my rhymes so cold like christmas time wit old saint nick even that man acknowledges that my rhymes so sick and everyone gather round its x-mas time again im talkin to you baby girl and please bring a friend
SIULou7186: and baby girl we'll ride christmas to the end and we'll make this shit a trend cuz i'm a trend starter no me i don't barter my next verse i'm comin harder or maybe i come with a top charter yep indeed im headed to the top of the charts aimin for a bullseye like a game of darts i'm the ace of hearts yes believe what i say i end this rhyme with a holla holla and a have a nice day
SIULou7186: my minds so lost i don't understand half of what your sayin so i take time from that to get a lil' prayin but no need to pray i know what to say i'm oh-a-okay like that old offspring song i come out to play like jordan i swish j's like mike vick i make plays like a nerd i get A's and like a lunatic im crazed but thats cuz im a perfectionist i fuck everyones perception they pissed and hoes pissed cuz they miss what could be the greatest of all time though i could be talkin about my life in the bed im talkin about writin rhymes and hoes take a look and wish they could turn back time get the instant replay and we goin to overtime
SIULou7186: if it was up to me i'd be rhymin frequently with chi-towns finest layin down the track with a guest appearance by jay-z make a track we can call it part two of the dough boys go crazy but instead i feel to lazy feelin like i wanna go out find some hoes that all they wanna do is amaze me fake rappers think they hot they wanna blaze me all i wanna do is go back to work give my uni back and say fuck you to who pays me and say good bye to the crew and the staff walkin out of there with the loot but they too stupid to do the math damn manager should take a bath and shave in no particular order get rid of the beard and then u can bathe now i got the white boys out of whack they think they at a rave they fucked up off that x they think my name is daveSIULou7186: so i step off look for a girl wanna make her my slave like the old days love slave all up in my cave and i can't believe that i just brought myself down to this level of rappin about hoes but the guys who rap about this are always the ones the go gold but fuck gold when my ass can go plat i can do it probably two times be like lil' wayne and bring it back but to the top of the map to the chi wit pride where real ballas don't ride big wheels they don't need the fame my boys like the g-unit they don't need no game we just roll up to the joint and the owners know our name northside chitown yeah baby we do the damn thang

I dunno, besides that, today was an up and down day, just like this has been an up and down week. I'm alone in my room, i'm pretty out of it, its not like that i don't like being alone, but i'm tired of it, especially when everyone else is getting lucky, i'm gonna have to explain that later. But for now I QUIT!

A Relatively Uneventful Day

Compared to the ups and downs of the previous 48 hours, today was very blah. Very slow, very boring very blah. There was class, then nap time, then I cooked pasta which was very impressive. Tomorrow I make cheescake, that should be interesting. I love it when I'm cooking and the girls come by and say whats up, intrigued not only by actual food on a college campus but a guy that can cook is supposedly something women love! Problem is that in general women don't love me, I GET NO LOVE! LoL...upwards and onwards. Interesting day in sports, Duke won (boo!), Paulie re-signed with the Sox (good for them and good for Paulie, finally an athlete who cares about winning over money though the Sox did make the best offer in the end), Giles re-signed with the Padres for 3 years 30 million in a deal that could go 4 years 36 million. A lot of money, but at least he didn't go to the Cardinals or Astros. Just had a nice little half hour talk with Kristin, that was nice, got a lot off my chest. I'm takin this Hoos-Alicia thing pretty well now, well relatively well compared to yesterday. Its that bit of the jealousy thing again. I hate myself for it because I never used to be the jealous type, I don't know what's happened to me since I've been in college. Well, I have an idea, but ideas get me in trouble, I'll work on it though. What has driven me crazy about it is that I really orchestrated this, I'm still in shock that I got it done, and I wish I could have gotten it done for myself, but there was an understanding in my eyes that there was nothing beyond that magical 'f' word 'friendship' that was going to happen. Once I've resigned myself to the 'friend' only role, there's nothing I can really do about changing it, especially when there's a mutual friend involved. Joking around about it, I'm kinda like the Tribune Company when it comes to the Cubs. I'm competitive 'til the price gets too high. The Trib says they don't have the resources, which is something I say, but it works more for me because I don't. My lack of prior relationships hurts my chances. I don't have a steady job, I never had a lot of money when I was younger, I always focused on school over social life and yeah, it hurts. And now that school and social life have combined to put me in the sophomore slump, it hurts even more that I don't have someone to help talk me through this. I'm talking beyond sex here people. I'm talking about an emotional connection and mental connection. And we were talking earlier about how difficult it is to meet someone on the college campus. Its hard to find someone that you click with, that is why a lot of college people go back home to where they have back up plans or they go back to exes or friends with benefits or just friends and they up the game and up the level of the relationship. Me, I don't have that luxury, not having that kind of relationship. And friends generally help out friends, well lets just say I don't have the world's greatest supporting cast around me. I'm a hell of a wingman, I've said it once and I'll say it again, I'm the best in the business, just check the track record, check the resume bitches! Wow, got distracted by another pretty girl, it happens ya know? Well, now that I've been taken out of my game, I guess I'll end it here. Good night folks and have a pleasant tomorrow!

Late Night Thoughts

Well folks its over. What you ask? Me. Lets start from the beginning. Class sucked, I spent 40 of the 40 minutes of class writing poetry, yeah this was a geology class. Went to wal-mart, got my cookin stuff for my cheesecake which really won't do much because yeah, i'm making that and even though supposedly girls dig guys that can cook, that doesn't cover me cuz chicks don't dig me. I feel as if I'm in a constant downward spiral since this week began, well at least since Sunday. I left an away message earlier on AIM and MSN saying: "They say misery loves company but I'd rather be alone in a hobbitt hole, and it doesn't have to do with the Carolina loss." I don't know, my mind, which I recently found is now leaving me, slowly as the days go on. Everything is bothering me, and when I say everything, I mean everything. Sometimes, I feel that I rushed myself into college. I'm a believer that high school is more important than college, but thats besides the point, thats a different topic for a different night. Right now I feel really out of place, I feel immature and I don't feel prepared for what I'm going through right now. I really wish I would have taken a year off before my freshman year of college. I could use some time off now. I feel miserable in all of my classes, and school sucks. I'm sucking at school and I don't have much of an explanation on why. I'm really considering dropping out much to the chagrin of EVERYONE i know. I do my homework, I go to class for the most part, at least the classes I need to be at on a daily basis, I have been bombing some quizzes, but I'm not going through typical college student failures. My drinking is WAY down from second semester last year where it was supremely down, so thats not an excuse. I haven't picked up any bad drug habits. I have no idea whats wrong with me. On top of that, I don't know what I want to do with my life. When I was younger, I wanted to announce for the Cubs, it was my life long dream and goal. Harry Caray and Steve Stone were not only my inspiration but they were the guys that tought me everything I needed to know in life. Between Stoney's "advice for all you little leaguers out there" and Uncle Harry and his bud drinkin boob chasin ways, I learned a lot from Cubs baseball over the years. But now that I know how the politics run in the Tribune Company and around the baseball media circles, my best bet would be on a neutral party station (i.e. The Score or something like that.) Then I wanted to become a journalist because I love to write. Problem there is that I have no experience. I didn't have the grades to write for the school paper, but I had the talent, I've always had a great talent to write and to write well. It's even tougher now to get into the journalism profession because everything is going on-line and everything is syndicated (another reason the radio gig probably won't work for me either.) So after that would be an advice columnist or an advice show, but lets just say I have a face for radio though I reflect a 50 cent line "I ain't a pretty n*gga but my moms thinks I'm handsome." So I'm thinking about a counselor of some sort, or maybe even a teacher. My love of helping people combined with my love of writing could make this a possible career. But in the end, I really don't know what I want, I feel rushed, and I'm almost 20, i figure at the most I live til 60, 40 years of work......you live a short life to be dead a long time. Girls are a major issue in my life. I can't get them, I feel so left out. I hear and see my guys here at school and at home have all these success stories with girls and me, I have nothing to bring to the table. It sickens me cuz I deserve better than what I have. I can help everyone else with their problems, but I can't solve my own, that sucks. Women have absolutely driven me up a wall and down a wayward path. I've heard it all from girls. Rejection (check) bad boyfriend stories (check) I could use a nice guy stories (check) let's just be friends (check) even though you like me things will be the same (check). Yeah, when it comes to women I'm definetly on the short end of the stick there. When it comes to girls, my life might as well be scripted because its the same shit different day. I like a girl, she doesn't like me we say we'll be cool but we drift (scenario one). I like a girl, I say nothing and it eats me up inside while she's with other guys (scenario two). I like a girl say something about it and then clear and utter rejection, simple, yet heartbreaking (scenario three). I haven't had a girl who was interested in me, well not a real one at least. Scenario four would be nice, that would be the one where I like a girl and I tell her that I like her and she feels the same way. But that would be too damn easy. So my options here include: going gay (won't happen, i'm not anti-gay, but it just ain't me), becoming a priest (hey I wanted to be pope last year and why not, I'm young so they won't have to worry about replacing me, I'm a virgin and i'm a minority...imagine the power the pope can have with chicks tho if i reform the church), i could always settle for less like I've done all my life with EVERYTHING and live a life of mediocrity surrounded by suckiness (and why not, I'm already there.)........well you know how I hooked up my roommate yeah, I'm having second thoughts. A little bit of them have to do with my feelings, but i'm over it, what hurts is that I lost my ace wingman. Now, I know that seems very selfish, but I've been waiting for him to get over Becca and go out with me like he said he would cuz he made excuses that he had no money and didn't wanna do anything while Becca was stuck at home and blah blah blah. So basically I set up my own failure there. So now I have no ace wingman, I am the wingman, I'm Mr. Wingman. And i know i shouldn't base "dating" or things of that nature on another person, but I have no confidence, when you've been put down as much as I have been, there ain't enough fronting in the world that can boost the confidence meter. And I still stand by my statement that he doesn't deserve her, but whatever. Yeah, I've taken shit for not being able to hook myself up but I can't I just don't have that power. I wish I did, I just don't. I'm almost resigned to the fate that I will spend my life lonely, single and bitter. So I'm miserable. But it's because I've never had anything that was better than anyone elses, as superficial as that sounds. I've had two cars, a '92 escort (aptly named putt-putt) that perfectly personified me. It wasn't the best looking, but it did what it was asked to do, very efficient in many ways was that car. My next car was my '97 chevy lumina which was wrecked one week before school was supposed to start in an accident which still hurts me today because it has set me back personally. Once again, nothing flashy, but it was a great car that did what it was supposed to do (go from point a to point b.) I never won a championship in anything. Yes, I did win the chance to throw out the first pitch at wrigley field, but that isn't a championship, there's not plaque there's no ring, there's no trophy, there was that picture, the pitch, the seats, thats it, oh and the memories. That's why attatch myself to the Cubs, because I feel that the day that they win a championship I will be fulfilled because it will be something I can call my own because I've been through all of the bad for one moment of good, it'd be worth it. The girlfriend, i've never had. I've seen all of my friends prosper in relationships as I sat on the sideline either hooking them up or helping them out and I had nothing. I'VE NEVER HAD ANYTHING! That's why I want a girlfriend, a really pretty one with a great personality. That would be trophy like, its something i can call mine. Not like if it was property or anything, its just having nothing sucks! (i know ppl are worst off than i am but i'm flirting with depression only rivaled by last year second semester around valentine's day) So yeah, the beard I'm growing, I might keep it til the Cubs win the series. We'll see how I feel. There was so much more to write, but I was interrupted several times by visitors and IMs, so I promise to post the poetry and things tomorrow, you will definetly be entertained. If you aren't already tonight! I feel stupid, neglected, rejected and oh so lost. I wish I could find my way. If you can help it'd be appreciated.

Quick Update

I pulled it off last night...at some ungodly hour in the morning, I did it. I pulled off the best hook up job ever, granted it was more difficult than it shoulda been, but yeah, I'm major, this just solidifies me as a great friend. I know there's a little buzz, but yeah, I think this also solidifies my spot in the Wingman Hall Of Fame. GO ME!!! I spent my one class writing non stop poetry for 40 minutes, i'll post it later! I thought I'd just update and give myself some props!!!!

An Interesting Day Back In The 'Dale

An interesting day it has been in Carbondale indeed. I survived all of my classes today which is one of the few times I've been able to do it since the first month of school. It feels like a total accomplishment. The best thing about today was of course English class. I learned today taht I finally fit into a stereotype. I've prided myself on not being a stereotypical anything, but I finally found a stereotype that fit me. I relate it to the movie Hollywood Shuffle where the guy is trying to choose whether he frees the two slaves and then the southern belle comes from nowhere and instead of saving his people, he saves the southern belle. That's me, I'd do anything for a southern girl, ANYTHING! I'd drop lotsa things for them girls, I love them. So yeah, my worst fears have come true. Its all mutual, so this is where I put aside any feelings I have, and do as jay-z says and "fuck perception and go with what makes sense." I'm gonna be doin something that I've grown accustomed too. Some people say I've grown to accustomed to it, and maybe theres a future in it for me. One day my time will come and I will be basking in sunshine and smiling for once. One of these days baby, one of these days!

Since I've Been Gone

Well, it's been more than a week since I've written, so here's a quick recap of the week.

• Friday, Saturday, Sunday- Friday the Salukis won over LA-Lafayette in my last SIU moment before I went home. Got home Saturday tired, yet not tired enough not to drive the Pimpala. Slept most of the train ride home, I was awoken by yuppie Champaign folks who wouldn't sit with random people on the train...gosh butch up Chambana people! Saturday night partied with Tony, George, Skinny, Ricky, Amber and her friends and people. I got to drink Vodka for free so yeah, I enjoyed that, I also enjoyed the intoxicated TBK run. I wasn't drunk but I wasn't tipsy, I was a tweener. Sunday I watched the Bears beat the Panthers. GO BEARS!
• Monday was uneventful, um, I'm trying to think as I type, oh yeah I drove to Grayslake with my mom for an inspection. I hate the suburbs, I also hate rand mcnally road maps, they give you half ass directions. I don't trust them much anymore. My roommate saved me from being lost in suburbia. I'll get to him later. Tuesday I worked for my sister's boyfriend and a garbage can fell on my face, ripped my glasses off my face, cut my face, left me lookin like rudolph the red nosed reindeer for a few days, I learned I'm super blind without my glasses. I showed up to work Wednesday, but Bob (my sis' bf) gave everyone the day off. I spent all night with Anna, which it was great seeing her again in person and Rosa who came to pick me up to go see her. It was great talking to them til 3 am, we covered a lot of topics, hell I even signed Anna's yearbook from junior year which suprisingly I never signed. I say suprisingly because that was the year we became real good friends. So yeah, it was original because it was in retrospect, bad ass in my part. Thursday was thanksgiving and I ate well to keep it simple. I spent my Friday cleaning and packing. Saturday I ended up back in Carbondale staying with my guy Marcus. And now it's Sunday night/Monday morning and I'm back to typing. That's my week off!

RANDOM THOUGHTS

I love the internet. You can find everything: song lyrics, cheat codes, book reviews, music, sports scores, rumors, innuendo, movie stuff, etc. But what interests me is dating sites and sites that are supposed to connect young people (i.e. Facebook, My Space, Xuqa, Xanga.) What interests me about them is their purpose. Facebook and Xuqa connect you with your classmates and serve as potential random college hookups (though every story I've heard about people hooking up with others on those have been horror stories starring weirdos, stalkers and losers.) My Space got bad because I got sick of all of the "pass this message to twenty people in twenty seconds or you will have no love life forever." Funny thing is I do pass them forward sometimes for fun and yeah, still without my true love and all of those empty promises. Xanga is pretty cool: pictures, music and blogging, it ain't bad. But yeah, here are my random thoughts on Xuqa which is my new internet crack. Yeah, I might have mentioned this before but I don't care right now because I'm tired. So yeah, Xuqa is very much like a dating site, it encourages random hookups, "tickling" as opposed to facebooks "poking", secret admirers, sending gifts and kisses. Questions about turn offs, things you like, if you were on a date, etc. But yeah, still haven't had my random hook up, I'll be waiting idly at my computer, in the mean time I'll be checking my fantasy football, basketball and hockey teams, reading the papers in Chicago and updating my life on the blog....Interesting, you tell girls you're a virgin, its like they applaud you for not being a man whore and its kinda ya know a respecting thing, but you tell the guys and you take hell for not being super pimp, I'm sooo confused....speaking of women, i've made an interesting move. As you may or may not know, since the thing with that internet girlfriend failed me (thanks roomie for the biggest failure in a hook up since McNair passed it to Kevin Dyson and he came up one yard short) I put myself into retirement from the chase. It just hurt too much, but once again, even though I saw it coming it still hurt because somewhere, I let myself be had to the point where maybe for once I could believe or I could be going through a good luck period. Neither happened and yeah, that's that. Well anyways, solidifying the end of the chase is me growing out my beard. Yes, I'm repping the old man look, but I'll make sure to keep it relatively clean. I'm tired of chasing girls, especially when a majority of them are too superficial for me. So this is the deal I won't shave until I get a girlfriend, I have to shave for a job, or until new years day (which would symbolize a fresh start for a new year) even though every year I make the same resolutions and they never work out. So yeah, oh and the other message I'm sending out to girls is that if you don't like me for me then you ain't worth my time, if you can't get past a bit of facial hair, then you must be a bit superficial....speaking of New Year's Resolutions, I went back to my earlier blog from LAST year to see what they were and if I accomplised anything I set myself to do this year. Do Better at School I'd rather not talk about my grades except the A I'm getting in my english class, though last semesters grades KICKED TOTAL ASS! Be a Better Person well lets see, um, that was supposed to be the kinder gentler Lou. Yeah, well still the nice guy, though I've been bitter for quite some time when it comes to women. Get a job at school yeah, unless being unemployed IS a job, then yeah, I failed at that one too. I Want to Forgive and Forget yeah, well let's see. The bitch from Sex and The City Put it in the best way: How can you forgive when you can really never forget. Seriously, you can always forgive, on a surface level only of course, because you will never forget. I do not know ONE PERSON who has completely forgotten something they want to forget (no matter how drunk they got, they were always reminded the next day so throw that idea out of the window)! So yeah, that failed I guess. Go out and get laid read above, and read other blogs where I tussle with myself about wanting to lose my virginity, waiting for a decent girl to lose it too, waiting til I'm in an actual relationship, and yeah, I'm a super virgin so yeah....NEXT! The final one: Find me a good girl well that one has come with mixed results. I've found me PLENTY of good girls. However, none of them have an interest in me in the way I'd like them to, so once again, just a friend! Damn, reminds me of a song I used to like that I want to listen to now, I gotta find it! Oh actually the last one was be myself, I guess I succeeded at that....Since I left The 'Dale, C-Dale, Carbon-deezy, Salukiville, whatever you call it, me and my roomie are still in the same situation. Looks like he'll be going in for the kill soon. Too bad I have nothing on him to make a move myself, though nothing would make me happier to get the girl that EVERYONE on the floor wants (and there's more competition off the floor with other guys on campus and even more not even in the city limits.) So basically, I'm shit out of luck, I'm hopin if I can't get her, maybe she can introduce me to friends of hers that are cute like her, fun like her, single like her, interested in me (she ain't interested in me like that, so yeah.)

FINAL THOUGHT

In a segment that is very much like the old "articles" I used to write in high school, I end with a final thought. This final thought is on the Laffy Taffy song. It is intruiging to say the least. You either hate it or love it, its been a good year for songs like that (such as anything by Gwen Stefani, the Trapped in the Closet Saga for examples.) But yeah, its a good beat with a catchy lil' bit of wording, but yeah, IT SUCKS! Its a song suckfest, but you can't hate cuz them guys are getting a lot of airplay, a lot of attention (whether it be bad or good, attention is attention), and of course they put twista on the remix, so that makes it bearable. So yeah, Laffy Taffy, hate it or love it. Okay, it has my attention because of the line: "Gurlz call me Jolly Rancher Cuz I stay so hard You can suck me for a long time Oh my god!" This line makes me think of Chris Rock when he says "it's hard these days to defend rap music." It is, rap music was easy to defend in the 80s with Grandmaster Flash's the Message and Run DMC. Hell, I could defend Eminem, Jay-Z, T.I., edgier rappers like that. Kanye, Common, Talib Kweli, Mos Def can defend themselves with their own lyrics. But I can't defend the Ying Yang Twins' Whisper Song, David Banner's Play, anything by 3-6 Mafia, or this damn Laffy Taffy song. This is the lyrical genius that gets signed to record deals while I have something to say about things and I'd be put off to the side because I wouldn't be rapping about coke, guns, blunts, 40s and bitches. I'd be rapping about the ever-elusive truth! The truth people don't wanna hear about, but hey, their loss right? Between gurls "call me jolly rancher cuz i stay so hard, Wait til you see my dick, finger fuck your pussy like you want some girl," and Paul Wall who all his raps are about his nice cars, and Mike Jones' self absorbed raps; I think me, my roommate, and our friends nate and steve could be a damn formidable rap group. I could be the one who brings the truth, my roommate can rap about cars, steve can rap about being a country boy and nate can rap about being a preppy boy. We'd be great! All I need is some beats from Kanye, Dr. Dre, Lil' Jon, Scott Storch, Timbaland, Just Blaze, Pharrell, DJ Smurf aka Mr. Collipark and guest appearances by Kanye, Twista, Cam'ron, Jay-Z, Nas, The Game, Common, Ludacris, T.I., Eminem and Lil' Wayne, oh yeah and Kells cuz he could bring some girls that are my age (17-19 kells) and then we can have a party and a hit record. Oh yeah and I gotta do a track with the Clipse. But yeah, its like Chris Rock said again "If the beats alright, we can dance all night." That's all it seems to be sometimes. Gotta love those real life rappers, ones that actually have lyrical talent.

On that note, good night til tomorrow!

Randomness on my last full day in Carbondale

Yay, no classes tomorrow, a basketball game and then i get to go home. I might be going out this friday since I have the room all to myself but it's unlikely. On the other hand it's likely that I do go out. We'll see where the wind (an hopefully a Saluki victory) takes me.
Last night I made promises about what I was gonna write and gave little tidbits about things I was gonna drop tonight. Well folks I ain't gonna disappoint, here's tonights random thoughts....
RANDOM THOUGHTS (from yesterday AND today)
Okay we'll start with the story that scares me the most, and I'll give a little bit of background on it too. In August my roommate, in attempt to boost my confidence with the ladies, pawned this girl on the internet from Michigan on me. To keep a long story short, he met her through a friend of his who met her online. She came on to him last year but he rejected her when he got a girlfriend in real life. He put her on to me too give me a boost. In the beginning, I fell for it. But at the same time I said that it wouldn't suprise me if this was all a complete, elaborate hoax because "any girl that thinks I'm a hottie is either blind or a liar." Those were my exact words, ask my friends. Well anyways, a month later she supposedly attempted committing suicide on the anniversary of the day she broke up with my roommate's friend, and then while in the hospital the doctors found out that she had lung cancer. Days after that she died of the lung cancer at the age of 19. A very shady story in my eyes. On top of that, her sisters were making posts on her Xanga page updating and talking and blah blah blah. Oh and then on top of that, we find out that these people: her, her friends, her "family" are all made up people just to elaborate the story. You have to be sick to do that. Then out of no where another sister pops out of the blue and says that she's taking over the site and that she was looking for a boyfriend. Not necessarily you do something RIGHT AFTER the death of family. But the funny thing is that the pictures that she supposedly puts up of herself were the ones her sister gave to me. Then she stalked my roommate and myself, I changed AOL ScreenNames, and now she tries to talk to me on the my space account that I have. Now there's another one that describes herself just like the other ones: blonde, tennis/volleyball players who's single and looking, but instead of Michigan she's in Springfield, IL. Yeah, creepy stalker lady, YIKES! Oh wait, here's a new one that was brought to my attention. I looked at her two Xanga sites and yeah, the one she originally has all of a sudden she comes back to life 3 months later and is back with the original boyfriend. Oh and the one she made after she supposedly left that one, the new sister has moved to California. All of this has made me so sick, it makes me wonder about the power of curses, hexes, jinxes and things of that nature that have been put upon me. It makes me think that I've done something wrong in life to deserve being lied to and deceived in this matter. It makes me think that I'm destined to be alone in life....But enough with that, because that's a different blog for a different night. Here's a simple one for ya, I give my roommate about not thinking before he speaks and says something stupid. Well I should heed my own advice, granted, I was coerced to say that because of the situation and what had been said and it was something I usually said but knowing the circumstances and the "mixed company" I should have known better than to say what I said. Me and my stupid mouth....Great quotes from english class: Reading this book will give you an STD.-teacher Today's the perfect day to slit your throat.-teacher. GREAT QUOTES! The quote with throat slitting was interesting because it was such a gloomy day and things like that, it did seem like a perfect day. And the book we're currently reading: Waiting For The Barbarians is a dirty dirty book....Ooh, remember when I found my mind the last few days, well that happened when a certain someone left the area and yeah, mind clear. They come back all of a sudden, minds back to being dumb mind again and yeah that sucks! I don't know, the power of certain people shocks me sometimes, puts me in my place to think about it....songs, oh I love music and can't live without it, but the other day I was listening to some songs that yeah, they put me in a depressed mood. Funny thing is that was the kind of music I wanted to listen to, I wanted something mellow. Well it got so mellow it brought me back to a time period where I was unhappy with myself and things. But then there's music that just picks me up when I'm down. Then there's music that absolutely just pumps me up and motivates me to do things. That's the power of music, it cna put you in your place, it can put you in a frame of mind, it can take you anywhere and yea, I LOVE MUSIC....I was gonna talk about covers but yeah nothing special is coming to my mind right now....We're still in the same situation that we were in this last weekend. I don't know what I'm going to do with myself, I really don't. That's the problem with women, when you're younger you don't want them, you get older you want them but they don't want you. However, I've never been wanted by someone that I wanted in return (and have known about it.) The parenthases are prefaced by a series of events that happened earlier in my life that probably changed my relationship with girls for a long time, or at least til I get my first relationship. I hate when I like a girl and she doesn't know it or when I like a girl and she doesn't like me back the way I do. Or to top that, I hate when I like a girl who likes another guy and that guy likes someone else and the beat goes on if you catch my drift. I've never knowingly been that guy. Once again, bad luck and bad timing contribute to my current situation with women. But yeah, it just drives me insane to think that I like someone and the feelings aren't mutual and that I can do nothing about it because they've already made up their mind. So you're stuck in a pickle. Ooh, here's a goodie for ya. Person A likes Person B. Person B like's Person A's friend, Person C. Person C however has no clue what's going on, and confides in their friend Person A. Now Person A is stuck in a dilemma. Where do Person A's loyalties lie? With Person C or with Person B? Or no loyalties to others, just loyalties with themselves. Wow, that makes Philosophy look easy. These are the moments in which I wish I could bring back my old favorite segment: What Would Lu Do? Well, here's your chance people, got a question about anything? Need advice? Need a prediction? Want a thought? Before Jean-Jean Pierre was doing horoscopes at NIU and before Dave Chappelle's Show had Ask A Black Guy and Ask A Gay Guy, I was in High School writing bullshit with a psuedo-advice column that I called 'What Would Lu Do?'
And that concludes RANDOM THOUGHTS! WOO HOO! See y'all in Chicago unless something important breaks.

7 Minute Drill

Now it's a 6 minute drill...oh no oh no oh no. So much to talk about in so little time. Not really. I don't know why I'm posting when there isn't much to post about. So I guess this will be a quick one. Well, since I don't wanna spill a lot, I guess this will be the cliff hanger episode in which I drop hints and things and let you people come back tomorrow and see what's up. Let's see: new potential stalker that might be based from the past. Let's see, um, my stupid mouth. 4 minutes....coincidence between certain people and the disappearance, re-emergance and at times vacationing mind. My torn heart, my torn mind, and if I was a Chicago Cub, I'd have a torn elbow or shoulder. 3 minutes....times ticking on this blog and on the clock of going home. No class Friday. Two minutes....funny quotes from my teacher this week and why I love my english class so much! So many songs to download when I get home, then to put on my already full i-pod, i got a lot of important decisions to make...maybe i should get a full I-pod...any one got 300 bucks I can borrow without the intent of giving them back. One minute left, time for the victory lap. Songs that bring back bad memories. Songs that bring back good memories. Favorite songs, songs I hate, songs that I'd love to cover and songs that shouldn't be covered by anyone, not even Kanye West (if that's possible cuz the man can turn any song into gold or platinum) DONE!

Kanye West: Worth The Hype

The highlight of the first semester was worth the wait and so worth the hype, it was wonderful. I missed Keyshia Cole, but I don't feel I missed much. I caught the end of Fantasia, wasn't impressed, in fact I was frightened and disheartened. I don't like people screaming at me. The highlight of Fantasia was when she let the one guy sing and then they cut to a sampling of Trillville's Some Cut. I was also amused by the B-A-B-Y M-A-M-A, they baby mama song. Inspires me to make an album some time soon. Well, let's move on to the showstopper himself, Chi-town's Finest, Mr. H-to-the-Izzo, 'Ye, Kanye to the..., Mr. West, K. West, Kanyeezee....Kanye West. Worth the swait and the price of admission from song one til the end. To make this short since I have a paper due in 12 hours and 41 minutes, my favorite songs from his set were: Spaceship, Addiction, Jesus Walks, Gold Digger and All Falls Down. I liked how he incorporated old school songs and original parts of the songs that he sampled as bits of introductions to the songs. I love how he came out in a SIU t-shirt. The costume changes were awesome because he was so quick with it. Diamonds was another highlight and so was the light show during Addiction. And the falling confetti during We Major was good. Crack Music live was better than I expected, though I wish he woulda done verse two where idictes President Bush on aiding Saddam in getting anthrax, but he made up for it in All Falls Down "and George Bush gets paid off of all of that." I liked when he sang samples of the chorus' of songs that he produced such as Overnight Celebrity and Encore and played some other Roc-A-Fella classics. The freestyle during Slow Jams is something I would LOVE to have on audio, hopefully someone could get that, that'd be sweet. I think the ultimate moment was during Gold Digger towards the end he stopped and said basically told white folks that this was the only time they could say the n-word and get away with it and that they better say it now. The crowd ERUPTED. It was a great show, too bad a lot of people weren't there to see it. It was great, it definetly ranks in my top concerts seen. Hairbangers Ball...EAT YOUR F'N HEART OUT!!!!

YAY! I FOUND MY MIND! (and other things that happened today)

Finally I get to blog! What a day, what a day, let me repeat WHAT A DAY FOR YOUR BOY LU! Where do I begin? Well, started my day off with a brunch meal before actually going to my math class. It was very satisfying to eat and then walk to class. Class sucked though so that was a bit of a buzz kill. In a class of 200 kids only 57 showed up. Amazing. Next class was next door and yeah I had some problems there. I have a lot of problems paying attention in that class it's so boring and so blah! Then came the highlight of the day, English class. I was praised for once on my papers and how hard I work in that class and how I owe it to my parents. Funny how this came up. Our teacher asked us how we would describe our parents. Liberal and easy? Lotsa hands went up. In the middle? A few hands went up. A few hands went up for strict. She asked me why I didn't raise my hand. That's when I answered, I'd describe my parents as a tyranny, a dictatorship I guess. And then came the praise. "And you've turned out pretty well from what I'm seeing." It's so true, sure I didn't have the greatest social life in high school. Sure, I wasn't allowed to stay up late, go out when I want, hell the only reason I had a car was because it was a hand me down from my auntie. Even then I had curfew's and things. YAY FOR MY PARENTS, y'all raised a good one. Now to the highlight of English class but not before some other stuff. I've accomplished something in that class, I'm able to relate the books that we've read to things that people say and stuff in real life. That's how you know you've accomplished something at school. 10 years from now, no one's gonna care about what your GPA was, they're gonna care how knowledgeable you are. Well, my teacher made an off-hand remark about how today was the perfect day for suicide. Cold, dreary, wet, a very depressing looking day, she makes a great point. Which brought up the right to live: who is to tell you how to live your life. Which was the EXACT point in the story we read two books ago Mrs. Dalloway. YAY me for learning and reacting and responding. Later we talked about racism, contradiction and how one persons last words in the book Heart of Darkness is an idictment not only on himself and the people around him on the mission, but can be meant for others. Read the book by Joseph Conrad 'Heart of Darkness' it's worth the read! And here's where I had my epiphany in class today. Basically we were talking about infactuation and crushes. And how crushes aren't a reflection of the person you are crushing on, instead they are a reflection of you. You crush on person A and in your eyes they can do no wrong, they're perfect. And one way or another the crush ends. It could be rejection, a blooming relationship. Not only in that way but the crush ends in a subtle way like actually talking to them or meeting them. That's the hump, it's all downhill from there any way you put it. And THAT is where it hit me. Everything. Everything, it all made sense, everything fell in place in my mind and my mind was at peace. I felt weight off my shoulder leave. Everything made sense it was like a ray of sunlight came through the clouds and everything was settled. EVERYTHING MADE SENSE. Things with girls made sense FINALLY. I reflected on myself and it was like wow, it was a reflection on me and just everything clicked. It was great, I couldn't help myself. Things with life made sense, it was great, it was a great feeling to be happy.....Well enough of that there were some other interesting things that happened today, but nothing really to write home about. Actually there's more stuff to talk about my vision, but I wanna sleep on it before I write it in here. Also I've resigned myself to a lot of fates that I really wish I didn't have to resign myself too. Most of them do concern women, in fact, all of them too. It all stems from a conversation with my roommate. Yeah, we still like the same girl and we were talkin about it. We were talking about the prospects of them and all of the other guys that like her. We eliminated them for one reason or another, then I basically eliminated myself. There's the self reflection. Here's exactly how I eliminted myself:

"Me (lmfao) in my wildest dreams that include a year in which the bears, bulls, cubs and SIU win championships and i'm there to witness each of them in person front row with a press pass."

It's how I felt and how I feel. My roommate didn't do anything or say anything to refute that, I actually thought he would, I guess it hurt more after he agreed completely. He knows how I feel about her, hell I told him in the beginning when I met her. But yeah, I guess we differ too much, I can't give her what she wants, despite how simple she is. She doesn't come with major baggage, she doesn't come with 'me' issues, she's got a great personality, a good head on her shoulders, but she's country I'm city. And I'm actual city, not prep. I'm from the streets bitch j/k. I come from a middle class home where I was raised correctly with an old school mindset about a lot of things. Where we conflict is supposedly my views on women. Somehow I see women as a piece of ass that should be taken care of. OHHHH MY!!!!! Well, I have to defend myself, and here's my defense. College has skewed my views on women. I have NEVER looked at women as a piece of ass and if someone believes that then they obviously don't know me. If I somehow come off like that, either people can't read me or I'm sending out the wrong vibes. But all in all, COLLEGE HAS FUCKED ME OVER. The media has helped in that process. Peer pressure has helped further that sick thought in my head. The whole prom night sex thing...overrated and not worth the time effort and most importantly money that goes into the potential of having sex with a girl. One night stands, HAH! I laugh, especially the one's that are alcohol related. I don't want to wake up next to a random girl wondering "what the fuck happened last night?" or something with no strings attatched. I'm not like that, I never thought of anything like that. But between the media that pushes sex everywhere and dangles it in your face as something attainable and as if it was something you wanted and needed and couldn't live without. And then peer pressure pushes it to a limit and it pushes you more than pushing, it shoves you and forces you to pick a side, it's like a friggin Dusty Baker motivational speech. You're either with them or with us. You either need to be having random meaningless sex with anything that walks or you need to be a virgin 'til marriage or the right girl comes along. College has skewed my mind too much. Here's another self reflection, I'm too weak. I'm too weak to handle this pressure; the peer pressure, the media crusade all that stuff, I'm too weak. But the idea that I think of women as a piece of ass, well it comes when it's forcefed down your throat from the media and your "friends." The friends that tell you that its overrated are the ones pressuring you the most. It's your friends that have relationships and whenever you're around you can't escape it. You can't escape that lovey-dovey feeling. And this is where I'm weak too, I've finally learned I'm the jealous type. Shame on me, I've never been one to be jealous of what someone else had because I always wanted my own things. But once again as you get older, your mind is shaped for you. But yeah back to this girl. I have to get this off my chest because the similarities between her and the girl from last year are just too eerie to overlook them. Cute, blonde, great personality, simple genuine small town girls and the whole virgin thing. And sometimes I think its just me. And the cherry on top the new girl used the old girl's ID to get into the concert on Saturday. IRONY IS ALL OVER THIS BEYOTCH! I was actually joking (kinda) when I was telling my roommate that sometime before this semester is over, I'm gonna get completely trashed and confess my love in a way that makes last year look small time. It's funny cuz the same way I felt about the girl last year is the same way I feel about the one this year. There's connections and similarities. But because of what happened last year, it's why I'm keeping a lot to myself and on this blog. I don't want to lose another friend. Oh, funny thing number two, irony number two. I might have mentioned last night that last years girl wants to go to Columbia College in Chicago because SIU can't give her the fame and things of that nature that the big city can. And I'm THE QUISESSENTIAL CITY BOY! It actually sickens me. And at this point I realize, my mind is working again. The fact that my mind is fully functional again makes me smile inside and out. Ladies and gentleman, I'm back, so get ready for the old school Lu-style blogs. Informing, entertaing and maybe, just maybe you might catch a laugh or two along the way. I'm back motherfuckers!!!!!